Whether it’s a missed lunch or an inappropriate joke, bipolar symptoms can leave a trail of lingering guilt.
Key Takeaways
- Depressive regrets focus on missed opportunities, while manic regrets stem from impulsive, out-of-character actions.
- Bipolar remorse highlights the painful gap between symptomatic behavior and one’s true identity.
- Single moments of impaired judgment can cause lasting damage to careers, finances, and friendships.
- Effective management breaks the cycle of new regrets, enabling stability and healing.
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Regrets. My head is full of them. They come up from time to time. Old ones are like old friends — familiar, comfortable, irritating, and sometimes troublesome. These regrets tend to fade quickly.
Newer ones are harder on me. I linger on them and relive the experience. They evoke emotions — sometimes embarrassment, sometimes angst, sometimes anger, and sometimes loss.
The regrets from my bipolar depressions are regrets of loss — missed opportunities and things I didn’t do. Things I couldn’t do. These regrets make me feel sad when I think of them. I have memories of my “lost years,” and of the times I could not be there for my kids. That’s when the tears come to my eyes.
The regrets from my manic times come with angst and embarrassment. Sometimes these regrets make me shudder. Unlike the depressive regrets that make me wish I had done something, manic regrets stem from the actions I took — what I look back on and can’t believe that I did.
Missed Opportunities During Bipolar Depression
When dealing with depression, I’m not myself. I regret letting others down because of my inactivity while depressed.
There was a good friend I played softball with whom I really liked. He reached out to expand our friendship. I liked the idea and wanted to spend more time with him because he was funny and smart. He called me and scheduled a time to meet.
So, what happened? On the day of our planned lunch, I was in a terrible depression. My mind was numb, my voice was monotone, and my energy was low. I canceled the lunch.
I had to. I couldn’t go. I couldn’t go anywhere.
We rescheduled for two days later. Two days later, I still couldn’t get out of bed. At the last minute, I stood him up. I had tried to call him, but it was too late. I wanted to reach out, but I couldn’t. I felt guilty. I felt like a failure because I couldn’t do such a “simple” thing, and I slid deeper into depression.
I never called him again.
Walking Away From Work
Another time, when I was still able to work, depression descended on me. When I think of that time now, I feel disappointment and regret. I was 22 and worked in a convenience store. The whole time I worked there, I was in a low-grade depression.
While working, I felt lazy, ashamed, and guilty — all for no good reason. Gradually, the guilt, shame, and negative self-talk got worse.
One day, I walked out with no notice. I didn’t make sure the store was staffed. When I walked out, there was no one on-site to take my place.
I regret that behavior because that’s not how I was brought up. I barely made it home that day. When I did, I went straight to bed. That added to the guilt and the shame. I knew it was wrong. I let people down.
When this memory comes up now, I regret not giving notice — even a few days’ notice, or even an hour. It seemed like a small thing. It’s one of the many “small” or “simple” things that build up until it’s too much.
I have an unlimited reservoir of regrets over things I didn’t do.
Grandiosity and Regrets During Manic Episodes
With mania, my regrets center on things I did do. Some of my manic regrets arise from feelings of grandiosity. Like the time I was in my late twenties; I had a great job that I loved. One day, my boss, colleagues, and I went to lunch.
I thought I was the smartest person in the room. I was manic, and I talked constantly, espousing opinions about work, current events, and life in general. My boss asked me a question, and I made a flippant response. The comment was totally off base.
Conversation stopped, and people looked at me. I knew I had made a bad mistake, but I couldn’t stop talking.
A few years later, I was laid off from that job. One of the reasons my boss gave for the decision was that lunch — specifically, that conversation and my arrogant comment.
Sometimes I think of that moment at lunch. I know I was manic. My behavior, thoughts, and speech were so unlike the healthy me. It was a bad mistake. Such a simple thing. Such a “small” thing. But it was the wrong thing. And it was one of the manic things that cost me my excellent job.
This memory makes me sad, and I feel a powerful sense of loss. I feel embarrassed and guilty for letting my family down by losing my job. That one comment at that one lunch changed my life. Sometimes, when I think of what might have been, this memory comes to mind.
Arrogance and Inappropriate Humor
Then, sometimes, I think back to another time when I embarrassed myself — and my wife — by being arrogant and cocky, thinking I was the smartest and funniest person in the room. This was a time when mania impaired my judgment, and I told an awful and inappropriate joke at dinner with some friends.
When I think of it, I cringe.
It was a bad joke. An old joke I had heard once. When I heard myself say it, it felt like an out-of-body experience: Did I just say that? How? Why? Where did it come from? That’s not me.
We lost friends because of that joke. I shudder when I think about it. Again, this was such a “simple thing” — a thought out of nowhere put into words. A thought that, if I had put it out into the world via social media, would have continued to represent me as something I’m not.
The Long-Lasting Impact of Manic Actions
Then there are bigger regrets. Shameful and embarrassing things that I have done when I was manic. As with depression, I have a reservoir of manic regrets, too. Some are about spending money. I feel some guilt for these, but mostly I feel like an idiot.
There was the car we couldn’t afford that I bought for cash. There was the vacation we couldn’t afford. But the things I’ve said while manic, while feeling “high” and grandiose, these are things that linger. These are things that destroy a person’s character. These are things that last.
Everyone says things that they regret. I have said the wrong thing when I was stable, too. But those aren’t big events that change my life. Those missteps I can live with. But what I’ve said when I was manic — those off-the-cuff comments changed my life.
Living Without New Regrets Today
I still get hypomanic sometimes. But the difference between hypomania and full-blown mania is that I don’t think I’m the smartest person in the room. I don’t think I’m the funniest person in the room.
These days, I’m not creating life-changing regrets that haunt me in my quiet times. I’m learning to live well with this condition.
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Understanding Bipolar Regret and Remorse
During a manic episode, grandiosity can distort a person’s internal compass, leading to impaired judgment and a sense that social boundaries are unnecessary. This often leads to “bipolar remorse” — a deep sense of guilt felt once stability is reached and the individual recognizes that their symptomatic actions do not align with their true character.
If you’re supporting a loved one with bipolar disorder, know that remorse and the desire to apologize are common signs of stability; recognizing these actions as part of a brain-based disorder is a vital step toward healing and mending relationships.
UPDATED: Originally posted January 12, 2021.
