A relationship expert explores why manic episodes and a lack of insight can lead to a sudden, unexplained end to a romance.
Key Takeaways
- In a new relationship, a sudden disappearance in untreated bipolar disorder can signal a crisis, not intentional ghosting.
- The “whirlwind romance” may be euphoric mania — high energy, fast attachment, rushed plans.
- In severe episodes, lack of insight can keep someone from recognizing they’re unwell, driving unpredictable choices.
- The partner left behind didn’t cause this and may not have had clear, typical warning signs.
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It’s a painful and confusing experience: One day, you’re planning a future with someone who feels like your soulmate, and the next, they have vanished without a trace. In the world of modern dating, we call this “ghosting.” But when bipolar disorder is involved, that sudden silence often has much deeper roots than a simple lack of interest.
For those living with the condition or their loved ones, understanding the difference between a conscious choice to leave and a symptom-driven disappearance is vital for healing. Below, bipolar relationship expert Julie Fast responds to a reader named Rosa, whose “perfect” romance ended overnight, and explains why what appears to be a cold exit is often a crisis in disguise.
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Dear Julie,
I’m writing to you for advice on a terrible situation. I met the most amazing guy. It was love at first sight for both of us. We have so much in common. After about six weeks together, we both said we had never felt like this before and started planning our future. Julie! He came on so strong. He wanted to meet my family. They thought he was a bit over the top, but they liked him. He texted me all day. I loved it. It was respectful. It didn’t feel weird. He said he couldn’t wait to see me. He was nice! It was intense, but not in a bad way!
We had so much fun. It felt like he was my soulmate. He was up for anything. He was so interested in life and in me. He was so easygoing and didn’t get upset about the world. He was so clean, had so much energy, and kept his focus on me.
He didn’t do anything inappropriate. I promise! I didn’t see warning signs. We just had fun, talking and talking. Sometimes, I had to tell him I needed to sleep, but he had so much energy. I’d be tired at work the next day, but he had so much energy, Julie! I felt like he shared some of that energy with me! I tend to be a bit down on the world these days, but he has restored my faith in the world. I knew that I had finally met my dream guy, and he felt the same about me. It was perfect.
Then he was simply gone. He disappeared overnight and never contacted me again.
He didn’t answer when I reached out. I felt devastated. I called and left messages. I texted and said that I would understand if he wanted to tell me he was done and didn’t want to see me, but could he at least just tell me what happened? I went to the house where he rented a room and couldn’t believe it when they told me he was gone. Gone! They said his parents came and got him. His parents! What? He’s a grown man! What on earth happened?
How can two people seem to fall in love, and then one simply decides it isn’t real? Days before his departure, he was planning our move-in together! Julie, how could I have been so blind? Was he lying to me all of that time? He ghosted me! I didn’t do anything to him. Was he a con man? Did I do something stupid? How can I trust people now when I didn’t see anything wrong? There were no red flags. He was everything I wanted.
He told me about his bipolar disorder as soon as we met, but he said he had it under control and had not been in the hospital for a long time. I know nothing about bipolar.
Do people with bipolar disorder just ghost people like this? I thought ghosting was for jerks. He is not a jerk. I’m devastated. I want to yell and cry at the same time. It has been almost a month now. I know he is gone forever, but I want to know what happened. Julie, please help me.
~ Rosa
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Understanding the Silence: A Note From Julie
Before I share my answer with Rosa, I want to explain my process of working with partners. I receive so many questions like this one, and as you may already know from reading my work Loving Someone With Bipolar Disorder: Understanding and Helping Your Partner, I have been on both sides of this situation as a person with bipolar who also lived long-term with a partner who has bipolar disorder.
I always ask clarifying questions when someone writes, so I can give the best possible advice. I wrote Rosa for more background information. Here’s a recap of her answers regarding her situation:
- Diagnosis disclosure: He did tell her about his bipolar diagnosis, but said it was all fine and that it really wasn’t something she needed to talk about. She was open to learning more, but didn’t get the idea that bipolar disorder was a problem.
- Family connections: She didn’t meet his family or any of his friends, but she did meet his new roommates. She assumed she would meet his family one day and that he was just new to the area. He’s 23, and she’s 26.
- The departure: The roommates liked him, but said he acted strangely and religiously the night before his parents came. He whispered to them that he was the Messiah. His parents were very concerned and got him out of there really fast.
- Understanding mania: She had no idea what mania looked like. She said, “It’s such a buzzword, and there are so many accounts on Instagram that talk about it, but nothing described him until I saw your work. That’s how I found bpHope.”
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Using this clarifying information, I wrote the following reply to Rosa to help her navigate this difficult discovery:
Hello Rosa,
I know and understand your pain. I’ve been on both sides of this situation. First, I can take away some of the confusion. His behavior wasn’t ghosting.
Bipolar Ghosting vs. Intentional Ghosting
Ghosting happens when a person ends a seemingly positive relationship by intentionally cutting off all communication. This is typically a conscious choice by someone who no longer wants to engage, and either doesn’t know what to say or doesn’t care about the impact.
What you experienced, Rosa, was not intentional ghosting — it was the bipolar disorder. You experienced an unmanaged and completely out-of-control euphoric mania episode that escalated until his family had to intervene. Untreated mania often turns into psychosis, which explains the religious delusions his roommates described.
The Manic Escalation Timeline
I know this will hurt to hear, but I want to give you an honest answer. He was manic from the moment you met him to the day he was gone. It is important to realize that manic episodes often follow a rapid timeline where intensity builds until it reaches a breaking point.
Please know that this has nothing to do with you. While it hurts to realize that a brain-based disorder created his behavior, it was not intentional, and it was by no means done to hurt anyone — especially you. During this escalation, a person may appear highly functional, but they are actually losing their grip on reality. The sudden disappearance usually marks the moment when the individual becomes too ill to function or is hospitalized.
The Bipolar ‘Puppet and Strings’ Effect
Let me explain more about bipolar disorder. It is a brain-based illness that affects a person’s ability to self-regulate mood. It is not related to personality, created by adverse events, or a reflection of a person’s worldview.
Like many genetic illnesses, bipolar often runs in families, and the symptoms commonly begin in the late teen years. Bipolar affects the neurochemicals that control thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. In other words, when untreated, bipolar episodes control how a person thinks, what they say, and how they behave.
During mania or depression, the person with the illness is a puppet, and bipolar disorder controls the strings. They will look like they are in control and can do many activities of daily life.
- It’s their eyes looking into yours.
- It’s their body dancing.
- It’s their body making love.
- It’s their words telling you their future plans!
But the bipolar disorder completely and totally controls them. Think of bipolar like diabetes and epilepsy. With epilepsy, brain chemistry creates seizures. With diabetes, body chemistry affects a person’s ability to effectively produce or regulate insulin. With bipolar disorder, brain chemistry creates mood swings that then affect a person’s thinking and actions. The symptoms of epilepsy, diabetes, and bipolar are not reflective of a person’s personality or character. These are physical illnesses that require rigorous management.
Lack of Insight in Bipolar Disorder
The most problematic symptom of bipolar disorder is called anosognosia, or a lack of insight. When someone is in the middle of an episode, it can be nearly impossible for them to understand that their behaviors are a result of illness. This lack of insight is a profound symptom, not a choice.
This is why what appears to be ghosting during a manic episode is probably not intentional. People who ghost others have full insight into their own behavior. The man you met never talked to you again because he was sick when you met him, and then became too sick to function.
He was literally too sick to think of you. His parents had to come to get him, and it’s clear he was fully psychotic as well as manic by the time they arrived. You knew little about him. He had just moved to a new place. All of his manic energy went to you. He was not lying. He was not fooling you. He never ghosted you. He was too sick to ghost you. He was manic and then psychotic.
Signs of Euphoric Mania
Given his history of bipolar disorder, there are signs of mania in your letter. If only one of these things were present, it could have just been excitement. But when all of these are together, and he told you he had bipolar disorder, this was mania.
- “He came on so strong. He wanted to meet my family. They thought he was a bit over the top, but they liked him.”
- “He was up for anything. He was so interested in life and so incredibly interested in me. … He was so clean and had so much energy, and the focus was on me.”
- “Sometimes, I had to tell him I needed to sleep, but he had so much energy.”
- “The week before, he was planning on us moving in together!”
This is classic euphoric mania. How do I know so much about this topic? I did this to my first husband and then went into a full psychotic depression and left him.
I moved in with my second husband after knowing him for one week! Two years into this relationship, we found out we both have bipolar disorder. So, I have some experience! While answering your question, I remembered another situation from before I was diagnosed.
I was sitting on the stairs of my house in Seattle, on the phone with a guy I’d had a relationship with that summer when I was visiting Japan. He was crying. He was asking me why I just left without telling him or even trying to contact him before I left the country.
Please know it was 1987, and this was an expensive phone call he made to tell me how hurt he was! I can honestly tell you, dear Rosa, that I didn’t mean to hurt him at all. I was manic when I met him and manic when I left Japan. When the mania left, I was very confused and had no answer for him when he called.
I was entirely confused and had no idea how I was, at first, so into him, and then, one day, my feelings were gone. I was years away from my lifesaving bipolar diagnosis. His name was Eric, and I can still see his face.
Your young man had no intention to hurt you — none. He was sick. But here are some positives: He told you he had bipolar. He never lied. He has parents to help. He is going to be okay.
Unfortunately, you cannot help this person. You don’t know the real person, and you can’t help someone who is this ill without knowing them well.
Can a Person With Bipolar Disorder Fall in Love?
What can you learn from this? First, know that a person with bipolar can absolutely fall in love and have a family and a great life, but the condition can and must be managed. I have stable relationships now, but I left or ruined many of my relationships before I had the bipolar disorder under control.
You had a devastating experience, but it was not in your control. Without information, there was no way you could have known what euphoric mania looks like or how to recognize bipolar symptoms in general.
You’re not alone in what you experienced. One of the main questions I hear is, “Julie, why did my amazing partner suddenly leave?” My answer is always the same: Untreated and unmanaged bipolar disorder.
Rosa, when you feel the wave of sadness and despair that will stick around for a few weeks until you can get it out of your mind and body, remind yourself that you did nothing wrong, and the exciting and intelligent man you met did nothing wrong. You were not ghosted. You were caught in the perfect storm of a manic episode.
Focus on what you need right now and nurse your bruised heart. Use this experience to think about what you want and need from a partner, including a realistic, stable, grounded relationship with passion, excitement, and fun in which both people sleep at night and take time to make future plans.
UPDATED: Originally published September 4, 2024