Bipolar adds uncertainty, so I under-promise, over-deliver, and make room for meds, mood shifts, and real life.
Standing in line at the hardware store, knees and elbows splattered in shades of gold and green acrylic, arms cradling six cans of Satin Magenta, a man behind me asks, “Are you a painter?”
“No,” I reply. “I am a procrastinating writer.”
Mastering the Art of Procrastination
My psychiatrist calls it procrasti-painting and confirms what I already know: I’m a pro. I paint dressers, bookshelves, walls, and canvases — all while I should be writing. And lest you think my procrastination is unidimensional, let me assure you: it is not. In addition to procrasti-painting, I have also mastered the arts of procrasti-cleaning, procrasti-reading, procrasti-streaming, procrasti-napping, procrasti-shopping, and procrasti-tweeting. Note: none of these activities is nearly as personally, professionally, or financially rewarding for me as writing. Still, I refuse to give them up.
I won’t insult your intelligence by claiming that these extraordinarily unprofitable pastimes are part of my artistic “process” or that they somehow enhance my “craft,” because, well, they’re not and they don’t. They are all undeniable and indefensible time-sucks, and I know it. I also know that I am bound to them like cheese to pizza, prepared to let them go the day I become a vegan — which is to say, never. I know myself well enough to know that procrastination and I will always be tight.
Planning for Bipolar Uncertainties
While procrastinating ahead of a dreaded deadline is not necessarily a symptom of bipolar disorder, it’s a common symptom of humanity and artistry. That said, living with bipolar on top of a heavy proclivity toward procrastination means that I have to plan ahead more than most.
To meet the many deadlines that mark the life of a working writer who also happens to have bipolar disorder and a preternatural knack for procrastination, I must actively make room for the uncertainties that come with my mental health condition, as well as the certainties that come with my personality.
While I know that I will always lean toward procrastination, I do not know when I will lean more toward depression or mania, or when I will need to alter my medication regimen, for instance, and possibly end up dealing with unexpected side effects. As a result, I make it a point to set deadlines for myself that predate those provided by my editors, and I create daily, weekly, monthly, and, yes, even yearly plans in advance.
Choosing Compassion Over Self-Criticism
When you have bipolar disorder, careful and compassionate planning is crucial. This means doing our best to plan for the unexpected, as well as learning from our mistakes without beating ourselves up for making them. Of course, this kind of planning should include breaking down our goals into their smallest and most manageable parts, making lists, and keeping detailed schedules — but it should also always include a healthy dose of mercy.
From time to time, we may take longer than we anticipated to achieve certain goals, and when that happens, we need to be kind to ourselves and adjust our calendars accordingly. Berating myself for running late on a deadline has never helped me to meet the next one. However, showing myself compassion and rethinking my time management have. This strategy becomes especially vital for long-term goals.
For example, I remember when I was writing my last book, which my agent sold based on a proposal that included a detailed outline and a single sample chapter. Like most nonfiction book proposals, mine included a “delivery date” for the manuscript, which I padded heavily, because I know from extensive experience that the best way for me to ensure delivery on a promise is to under-promise and over-deliver.
To do so, whether it’s a book deadline or a deadline for some other important project or event, I always consider constants and variables. While bipolar may be a constant in our lives, the symptoms aren’t. Plenty of other variables factor into our success or failure in the face of it:
- Sleep hygiene
- Diet and exercise
- Self-Care
- Medication adherence
- Time management
The trick is to take control where we have it: mastering all the variables we can, because there’s a big difference between having control and using it. Having bipolar disorder need not prevent us from achieving our goals. So long as we’re strategic, creative, and compassionate with the time and energy we commit to pursuing those goals, we can both set our sights high and deliver.
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Understanding Procrastination and Bipolar Symptoms
Procrastination can be deeply intertwined with the symptoms of bipolar disorder, though it manifests differently depending on a person’s current mood state.
Procrastination vs. Avoidance: It is important to distinguish between simple procrastination and avoidance driven by other factors. While anyone might delay a task, those with bipolar disorder (or other mental health conditions) may experience avoidance rooted in paralyzing perfectionism or high levels of anxiety, often fearing that their work will not meet expectations or that they lack the stability to complete it.
Depression, Hypomania, and Medication: During depressive episodes, a lack of energy and motivation can make starting even small tasks feel impossible. In contrast, hypomania might lead to a “flight of ideas,” which in turn leads a person to start many projects but struggles to finish any of them. Additionally, adjusting to new medications can cause cognitive side effects or fatigue that temporarily hinder productivity.
UPDATED: Printed as “Flight of Ideas: Managing Procrastination,” Fall 2018
