A son living with bipolar disorder and his father each reflect on the hard-earned lessons that helped them move forward together.
Editor’s note: Navigating a severe mental health diagnosis is rarely a solitary journey; it’s a complex, shared reality for the person living with the condition and those who love them. In this dual reflection, a son living with bipolar and his father look back on the last five years to share the five distinct but intertwined lessons they learned while finding a path forward.
Daniel’s Story
Daniel, alias used for privacy, is a 23-year-old living with bipolar 1 disorder.
I spent my late teenage years — up until two years ago — without a correct diagnosis. Originally, about five years ago, I was diagnosed with major depression. This led to a trial-and-error period with medications that sometimes worked, but often didn’t.
As a young man now navigating life with bipolar disorder, I want to share the five most important things I’ve learned over these last five years. I hope that by sharing what my dad and I have gone through together, others can find comfort, understanding, and support.
1. Creating a Supportive Environment Is Key
After my first hospitalization in 2020, my dad and I decided I should try staying with my mom. I had been struggling to live with him and my stepmom, and we thought a change might help. Unfortunately, my mom — who I later found out had been diagnosed with bipolar 1 disorder but hadn’t told me — was not in a position to be an ideal caregiver at that time.
Coming out of the psych ward, I had the mandatory doctor visits. Yet, my mom decided she knew better; she focused on my video game usage, labeled it an “addiction,” and prevented me from going to my appointments. Because the new medication made me pace and feel anxious, she isolated me in my room because she “didn’t want to see it.” I was sinking further into isolation.
After a few weeks, my father called. He asked if I would like to come to Colorado to stay with him. He reminded me that I was an adult and could make that choice. He committed to making sure I stayed on top of my appointments and meds.
2. Understanding Your Diagnosis Is Only the Beginning
Bipolar is a diagnosis, and that’s it. When you’re diagnosed, it gives doctors the ability to prescribe medications to help with symptoms. Categorically, the diagnosis puts you in a universe of “most likely” realities. These are helpful, but they are only the beginning.
I’ve learned from my bipolar coach — someone living with bipolar who is now thriving — that being “stable” on medications is not enough. You cannot stop there. There are side effects and symptoms unique to you. For me, the biggest hurdle is the fatigue I feel from my antipsychotic medication. To counter this, I take a stimulant in the morning to get moving. I also cope with motivation and irritability challenges mixed with occasional delusions; I manage this with a mood stabilizer for this, and I am currently having a lot of success.
Your diagnosis serves an important purpose, but it isn’t everything.
3. Prioritizing Daily Health and Sleep Is Critical
When I look back on my hospitalizations, both were preceded by a runway of bad eating, poor sleep, and chaotic living. My first hospitalization involved paranoia and delusions fueled by sleep deprivation. My second hospitalization happened after I spent three months trying to get off meds that were, at the time, prescribed for depression.
There was so much stress, fear, and confusion leading up to that second visit. I hadn’t been sleeping, and my eating was out of control. Now, I focus intensely on the basics. I track my sleep on my watch and make myself go to bed early if the previous night wasn’t good. I work hard on my nutrition, and my dad and stepmom help me find foods I enjoy that are actually good for me.
4. Why You Should Get a Bipolar Coach
Working with a bipolar coach has made it possible to write this article. As crazy as that sounds, I spent the previous year speaking with a bipolar coach twice a month. It’s invaluable to talk to someone who knows firsthand what it’s like to have delusions, to do things that make no sense in hindsight, and to struggle with relationships.
My dad and I usually spend time with the coach on Zoom together, and I think he gets a lot out of these calls, too. We ask about the “life stuff.” How do I approach someone if I was rude to them during an episode? What small things can I do this week to move forward? Having someone speak with conviction about moving through the fear, anxiety, sadness, and sometimes loneliness of bipolar has made life manageable.
5. Find a Brainstorming Partner
I have my dad for this. Recently, we have been spending 30 minutes each day working on my coursework for a professional certificate. While doing this, we brainstorm the little things. Should I shower first thing in the morning? Should I prep my food for work the day before? Should I go for a bike ride, and if so, when?
There are so many things in my life that feel like difficult decisions. Having my dad to bounce ideas off makes me feel more relaxed and happy.
It felt much lonelier before this year. But now that my medication, environment, and physical health have come together, I feel strongly that others should hear about what is possible. If writing about my journey helps someone in a similar situation, that makes me feel better, too.
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Kenneth’s Story
Kenneth, alias used for privacy, is Daniel’s father and caregiver.
I was walking up the stairs of our townhome, carrying a mop and some cleaning supplies. We had just moved all of our things into our new home about 10 miles away, and this day was dedicated to cleaning out our old place. Everything was gone; it was just my wife and me, and a lot of cleaning supplies.
Then my phone blew up.
From the looks of it, three different kids (we have six) were all trying to FaceTime me at once. These three were all adults and all living in the Chicago area — we were in Colorado. I decided to pick up the call from my son Daniel. He had been struggling. He had been with us for nine months before, but had moved back to Chicago to stay with his mom, be near his high school friends, and really just try something new. His struggle was, in part, the reason he left Colorado.
He told me he felt he couldn’t trust anyone around him. He felt something was “wrong with his mind,” and he was taking himself via ambulance to a hospital. I encouraged him and told him I would be there as soon as possible. I flew out the next day.
When I arrived, I saw my son in a very difficult state — a high level of paranoia (he believed the nurses were removing oxygen from the room) mixed with an intense gratitude that his mom and I were there. Within an hour of my arrival, they moved him into the psych ward at a nearby hospital.
All of that was more than five years ago.
Today, Daniel is with me in Colorado. He had one more hospitalization about two years ago, at a time when we still didn’t have a bipolar diagnosis. Through it all, Daniel has kept his part-time restaurant job.
As a father, and also as Daniel’s biggest fan, I thought I would share the five most important things I’ve learned over these five years. I hope someone can find comfort, understanding, and support in what my son and I have gone through together.
1. Trust Your Instincts as a Parent and Caregiver
In 2020, Daniel was constantly irritated. He could not really get through regular interactions anymore. He kept himself alone in his room, and I could tell he was staying up all night playing video games. He was mainly coming out of his room for food and work, and outside of bathroom breaks, I barely saw him.
When I really went hard trying to figure out what was going on, Daniel was angry and sad. He had a lot of fear building up. My instinct said: Something was really wrong here. This was not Daniel being a jerk. But I did not listen to that instinct. I tried to solve it like I would for any of the kids.
Later, during Daniel’s second hospitalization, I second-guessed myself again. The doctor had told me that Daniel was refusing medications and would be forced, through a court order, to be strapped down in order to take them. I wondered if I needed to take myself out of it. Daniel was an adult. I was mentally and physically exhausted. My instinct said: “Go to Daniel. You are his dad, and he will trust you.”
I went to the hospital, and although Daniel argued with me at first, I saw him really look at my eyes. Then he said, “Okay, I’ll take the medications.” I stood up, got the doctor, and Daniel took the meds. He walked out of the hospital a few days later, grateful and happy.
Going with my instincts then, just a couple of years ago, has strengthened my conviction about how I help Daniel.
2. Understand the Limit of a Diagnosis
Daniel was finally diagnosed with bipolar disorder during his second hospitalization. He would be released after three weeks to see a new doctor and get new meds. The healthcare system had solved the riddle — so now the path was clear!
Except that it was not clear. We attended the doctor’s appointment, and they promptly told us we needed to brief them on everything so they could help us. “We don’t get any paperwork from the hospital, so we just need to know directly from you what is going on,” they explained.
So we did. And we started working on medications.
We changed medications every two weeks or so for the following six months. This was primarily my responsibility as Daniel’s dad. I had to manage Daniel’s struggles, the doctors, the pharmacy, the health insurance company, and just the daily life things. Daniel was struggling for straightforward reasons — we were trying to get things in his mind back on track so he could feel good again.
The limit of the diagnosis? The diagnosis gave doctors the right to prescribe medications to address the problems it identifies. That’s it. There was no path. The doctors don’t have time for that; they only offer the medications. They give you the foundation you can build a life on — so this is so important. But equally important is to realize that you have to work very hard to understand what is happening, how medications are or aren’t working, and to stand up with some confidence about what your loved one needs.
Get to know, now, what you don’t know. Meaning seek information about mental health early, so you’re better prepared to help your kids and loved ones.
3. You Will Never Need More Patience
The number of times that you wonder, “Are things getting better, worse, or staying the same? I can’t tell!” is countless. When you add new medications, increase dosages, or your loved one gets triggered by something, you’ll be tempted to go into “solve this problem” mode.
Sometimes there is a problem to solve. Many times, though, there is just listening. And offering support. And witnessing your loved one come to their own conclusion, many hours or many days later. Be patient.
If your loved one with bipolar disorder is one of your children, you probably had a future planned for them in your mind. Or you at least have some basic expectations of them. These plans and expectations also have built-in timelines.
Forget the timelines. Be patient. That’s what Daniel needs from me.
4. Reinforce What’s Going Well
I struggled for a long time to trust my instincts while dealing with doctors, pharmacists, and insurance companies. Eventually, I realized that while my normal life is about planning and timelines, this situation is different. It’s actually about being present enough to see the good happening right now, no matter how small. That’s what gives you momentum and helps the path forward become clear.
- “You’re showering every morning now. Big win!”
- “You opened a savings account, and you’re saving money every month. Wow!”
- “You spent nearly the entire day with everyone in the house instead of staying in your room. Big win!”
It’s so humbling because I think that logically, someone could argue that those are objectively not a big deal. And if you think they aren’t a big deal, you’re missing the whole thing. All those little things are life. This is it! This is how life is. It’s all the little things together. Daniel just needs me to add a new building block of wins with him. Share it with him. Enjoy it with him.
5. Help Your Loved One Find Their Voice
All this time that Daniel and I have been working on his mental health together, I have recently put some attention on building his confidence — his presence. I expect that at some point, Daniel will just tell me that he’s moving out. We talk about those kinds of things a lot, so it won’t be a surprise or shocking.
But for a long time, he needed me to be his voice. I needed to assist him in vocalizing his needs at the beginning because he was unable to do so, as he was still very ill. He needed a lot of help managing his appointments and medications. I explained what the meds were, why they were prescribed, and how to take them. He knows that eventually he will do this on his own and that managing his care is simply a part of his life — like a job.
I hope our journey is useful to you. It is clear to me that there are millions of people in this same situation, which is ironic, because I have often felt very alone in this. For me, writing this was the first step in feeling less alone.