Stability in bipolar disorder is deeply personal. These are the signs that helped me understand what feeling ‘well’ means to me.
It took me a long time to figure out what it feels like to be well. I’ve certainly had periods of wellness since I was diagnosed in 1995, but I wouldn’t call them long-lasting. These moments were like chasing butterflies — you can see them, but you can’t catch them.
Defining Stability and Wellness With Bipolar
Stability in bipolar disorder is often defined as the absence or significant reduction of disruptive mood symptoms like mania or depression. For many, wellness isn’t just about the absence of a crisis; it’s about reaching a state where your emotions and energy levels allow you to function consistently in your daily life.
Furthermore, when you manage a psychiatric condition successfully, as I have, this doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re always “well.” Rather, it means that you’re not dead. I am so thankful for the years since my diagnosis, but these years have been very hard.
A number of years ago, things dramatically changed for me. I felt stable — sometimes for as long as a month. I got a glimpse of what life could be like if bipolar disorder were out of the picture. During these stable periods, I remember thinking, “So this is what it’s like! This is what people without this condition get to do all day long.” Then I thought, “Do they know how lucky they are? Why can’t they get more done?”
Considering that my bipolar leans toward chronic, inactive depression, I envied these people so much! I honestly believed I would go wild with my writing if given the chance. I would hear people complain about their jobs or say they never had enough time to do things. They seemed so selfish. I wanted to say, “Give me your life!” I so wanted to be well.
Indeed, I have always equated stability with being able to work — I still do. We all have our stability gauge, and yours is probably different than mine. But everyone with bipolar disorder has common threads of stability. I’ve come up with my own list of what wellness feels like. Do any of these sound familiar to you?
1. Finding a Silent Brain
Have you ever just enjoyed lying in bed with a clear head? I don’t remember having a clear brain until I was 43. Now. I can sometimes lie in bed and read without having to battle the voices. This is a luxury — I can actually read for pleasure again.
It’s hard to explain how medications or the illness itself can take away a person’s ability to read — it often has to do with focusing on the page and a lack of desire. And when the mind won’t be quiet, it often drowns out the words on the page. There’s no question that medications can change the way a person processes information. So it’s great to enjoy reading a great mystery again!
2. Embracing Flexible Choices
My therapist points out that I’m very rigid when I’m sick. I have to schedule meetings and social events far in advance. If these appointments are changed, I become even more unbalanced. Should someone change plans, it literally feels as if my world is falling apart. This is embarrassing. Now, however, I’m able to plan for a weekend just a few days in advance. Moreover, I sometimes even have a free Saturday night to do as I choose.
3. Establishing Normal Sleep Patterns
This is a big sign that I’m doing better. I can sleep regular hours and wake up without being depressed. While I still have trouble with sleep, it’s getting better.
4. Regulating Emotional Responses
I cry constantly when I’m depressed — it’s a veritable wall of tears. My crying is much more appropriate when I’m well. When I am stable, my emotions feel proportional to my experiences.
5. Maintaining Stable Relationships
This is such a gift. When I’m sick, I constantly look for ways my friends are trying to hurt me. I believe they are mad at me, or that our friendships will end soon. As a part of my management plan, I’ve taught myself not to act on these beliefs. Believe me, however, it’s a lot easier when the insecure feelings are absent. With balanced behavior, friends are just friends. Now I’m much more able to see when a friend truly is causing me problems — I can be honest about it and walk away as necessary.
6. Improving Cognitive Focus
I’m now able to sit down for more than three hours. Three hours of writing used to be my limit — now I can work for at least five! For the first time since my diagnosis, I can work at what feels like a normal pace.
7. Recognizing Fewer Manic Episodes
Mania is always a challenge, but I’m learning to tell the difference between excitement and mania. Manic thoughts are difficult to control and arise for no particular reason. Excitement, on the other hand, has a root cause relating to some external factor or event that I can rationally consider in the moment.
8. Navigating Less Depression
I experience three types of depression: lurking, creeping, and full-blown. Lurking means that it’s always “back there”, breathing down my neck. Creeping depression comes on slowly, filling every pore of my body until it has taken over. Then it becomes full-blown depression.
When I’m well, depression is just a memory. Unfortunately, it quickly returns if I don’t carefully watch my triggers. These days, however, I don’t feel controlled by depression throughout the day. As I write this list, I feel like jumping for joy. Getting and staying there, however, has not been easy. To stay well, I’ve had to modify my life significantly.
- I watch my caffeine intake.
- I limit international travel.
- I can’t stay out late with friends.
- I avoid overly stimulating events
- I don’t get involved in other people’s problems.
- I have to be extremely careful who I let into my life.
Above all, I can’t date. Choosing not to date has been a huge loss, but the fact is my mood alternates among depression, obsession, anxiety, and mania the moment I even look at a man. Certainly, I hope that I’ll eventually be able to handle dating more gracefully. For now, though, it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make.
“Wellness” is an arbitrary term when you have bipolar disorder. I’d define it as the absence of symptoms that can lead to disastrous results. In summary, I’d say that bipolar disorder symptoms don’t have good outcomes — “well” symptoms do. Wellness lets you figure out your personality. I find that I’m actually a very calm person when I’m well. I still get excited and talk way too much, but I can recognize this behavior and manage it.
When I’m experiencing an episode, however, it’s constant work to check out my moods. This is why bipolar disorder management takes so much out of me: It’s easier to maintain stability that’s in remission than it is to try to keep a lid on a boiling pot.
The Importance of Long-Term Management
Noticing these signs of wellness is important for managing bipolar disorder over time. When you know what being “well” feels like, you can spot small changes that might warn of a relapse. Paying attention to your own sense of stability lets you take action early to protect your health and keep moving forward.
Meanwhile, medications have played a big role in my wellness. A number of years ago, I found a drug that worked pretty well. This medication took the edge off many things — I actually believe that it’s working better now than it did in the past. It’s my belief that staying consistent with treatment is the key to preserving the peace I’ve finally found.
UPDATED: Printed as “Touching Wellness”, Summer 2008
