As a public speaker, it can be challenging to embody positivity while talking about such difficult experiences. Leela struck this balance in her Ignite Talk at our Fall 2024 Community Conference; she led us into the darkest moments of her IBD story and then turned on the light. During her recovery from abdominal surgery, when the stress, fear, and pain was palpable and all she wanted to do was cry but couldn’t because “if I did, my stomach would feel like lava,” Leela’s Mom never gave up on her or left her side. In a pivotal moment involving a 🐞 ladybug, Leela felt her Dad’s words “This too shall pass…” spring into her mind. Those comforting words woke her up and she was hit with the realization that this was her defining moment; “a moment in your life that you look back on and it fills you with motivation to keep moving forward – a time in your life where you went…yeah, I did that!”
Be inspired by Leela’s #IgniteTalk 🔥
This too shall pass.
So, funny story about that quote…I was kind of a rambunctious child. I got in trouble a lot, rightfully so. Whenever I was in my room or crying my dad would come up and he’d sit next to me and he’d tell me “Leela, this too shall pass. A month from now, a year now, even five years from now, you’ll look back on this moment and you’re going to think…wow, I cannot believe I let that moment get the best of me.”
My name is Leela Maitra, and I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis during my sophomore year of high school, so it’s been about 6 years now.
You see, even back when I was 15, I still smiled every single day. I had a bright future ahead of me; I just walked onto a fancy club showcase soccer team, I was top 7 on my high school cross country team, and I just got through freshman year of high school meaning I was no longer on the chopping block. Everything was amazing and wonderful, and I had a strong head on my shoulders!
Then why was I so out of breath?
I’d run and I’d run at cross country practice but running a mile felt like I was running ten. That’s fine, I haven’t been eating well, I’m just like gaining weight. I’d immediately leave my practice to go join my soccer team, where performance at practice determined whether or not I had a starting spot at the soccer game, and therefore a starting spot on a college soccer team. But my legs hurt so much. They would cramp so badly, and I never get cramps. Every single night I would wake up screaming silently for help, massaging my calves and flexing my toes to try to get rid of the knot. I’d go to school the next day, and see my best friend, who never failed to make me laugh. But, when I laughed, why did it feel like I wasn’t breathing? I mean I was breathing but my head felt light and no matter how deep the breath was, I couldn’t seem to get enough air.
All of these symptoms seemed pretty weird to me, but thanks to my amazing detective skills I figured out the problem: I was dehydrated! So, I really focused on my water intake and chugged water and Gatorade every single day, religiously.
Fast forward a month and everything was basically the same. Actually, no…it was worse. I started to see some blood in my stool, and I told my parents. After some thinking, we determined it was hemorrhoids from sitting on the toilet so long. But I felt so bad and so weak so I pushed harder (figuratively and literally) and I scheduled an appointment with my pediatrician.
We ran several different tests and they all came out normal, so we finally did a blood test. The results said I was severely anemic. Oh, did I mention that when I went to the bathroom to pass stool it actually wasn’t stool…it was straight up blood. I probably should’ve mentioned that to everyone sooner.
It’s now spring semester of my sophomore year of high school.
Ok everyone! Audience engagement time!! Shout out your favorite Valentine’s Day candy!!! [audience yells out candy types] Those are good! But I couldn’t eat any of them. As someone who has an actual sugar addiction, do you know how hard it was to be chronically ill and have a sugar-free diet? It was awful. Why did I have to watch my sugar intake at 15 years old????
A month later I ended up in the hospital. It wasn’t because of the sugar, don’t worry. But now I was faced with a tough decision: an infusion that had only about a 10% chance of working 3 weeks from now, or I have a total colectomy, and I’d live with an ileostomy bag for 7 months while they constructed an intestinal j-pouch. I smiled at everyone trying to act cool and convince myself that I was fine. I chose surgery.
To be honest, I couldn’t really tell you what happened once I chose surgery. The only thing I remember was breaking that morning. I was smiling but my body was shaking. I thought that the fact that I could smile meant that I was fine, right? That makes sense. But my smile finally fell and I had my first ever panic attack. My mom had to hold me so I wouldn’t hit my head on the floor if I fell in the shower.
To be honest, I couldn’t really tell you what happened once I chose surgery. The only thing I remember was breaking that morning. I was smiling but my body was shaking. I thought that the fact that I could smile meant that I was fine, right? That makes sense. My smile finally fell, and I had my first ever panic attack. My mom had to hold me so I wouldn’t hit my head on the floor if I fell in the shower.
I woke up from surgery in so much pain, but at the same time my entire abdomen was numb. That was weird. I refused to look at my bag for the first few days. But there was no point because I had no output. It was like that for a few days actually – no output. The nurse would come in and there would be no output. Hardly any. I was eating. Kinda.
Actually, I stopped eating after my first meal post-surgery. Everyone tried to get me to eat so I would try to eat, but I couldn’t. The scent of food was atrocious. The sight of food was horrendous. The thought of food was absolutely vile. It sucked.
Then I started to vomit. Do you know how painful it is to vomit after major abdominal surgery? I threw up multiple times a day. I felt so nauseated. My stomach felt like there was lava swirling inside of it. I wouldn’t wish that pain on my worst enemy. All I could do was cry. And even crying hurt. I sat in that hospital room and tried not to cry because if I did, my stomach would feel like lava. I couldn’t do something as human as crying.
My dad was stressed. My little brother was scared. My mom was exhausted. And we all broke.
I got into an awful fight with my mom. My mom was the one who stayed by my side—who fought for me—who slept on that uncomfortable couch for three weeks. I couldn’t keep my eyes open. I would spend my hours staring at the wall. I gave up. But my mom never gave up on me. She saw I broke, and she pulled herself together to drag me out of bed.
I gave up. But my mom never gave up on me. She saw I broke, and she pulled herself together to drag me out of bed.
I took the first shower I had taken in like a week. It felt so good. I stood in front of the mirror and was saddened by what I saw. My arms looked so thin, and my cheeks looked like they belonged to a chipmunk. My mom helped me get dressed and we took a walk outside. The boy next door got flustered so I couldn’t have looked that bad.
The sun felt so good on my skin. I felt clean and I felt warm. I hadn’t felt that clean in a long time. “Leela!!! There’s a ladybug on you.” My mom jumped back and I could see her fighting her inner monologue whether to run and hide instead of protecting me and swatting the ladybug away. “I don’t know what to do!!!” At that moment, I laughed. I laughed probably the hardest I’ve laughed in my entire life. It hurt to laugh, don’t get me wrong. But the serotonin being released gave me such a high and it gave me hope. “This too shall pass.”
That was my defining moment.
Whenever I’m sad and I tell myself something is too difficult to achieve, I remember that I’m still here.
🐞 It’s interesting, whenever I’m at my lowest, a ladybug will land on me and that’s not an exaggeration.
Everyone sitting in this room has amounted to so, so much. You went through med school, you saved your child, you’re fighting for each and every day. So, as this conference commences, I want all of you all to take an opportunity to reflect on your defining moment.
What is a moment in your life that you look back on and it fills you with motivation to keep moving forward – a time in your life where you went…yeah, I did that!
Thank you.
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