When bipolar disorder is at the root of past mistakes in a relationship, the road to forgiveness can be long and complicated. Here’s how to begin moving forward.
Being in a relationship with someone — as a spouse, partner, friend, or relative — means sharing a part of your life with them. In a sense, even if only one of you carries a diagnosis, both of you are living with bipolar. And sometimes that means being on the receiving end or dealing with the negative consequences of a loved one’s symptoms — whether it’s bipolar rage, infidelity, financial hardship, or the stress of a lifestyle that is not conducive to mood stability. Both people in the relationship must recognize and reconcile themselves with this reality.
If you have bipolar disorder and wish to repair relationships damaged by your behavior (whether while symptomatic or not), it’s vital to first recognize the other person’s feelings and pain. Admitting to your actions and acknowledging the harm they caused your loved one is a good first step in the process of making amends. Here are other ideas to keep in mind when working to mend your relationships with others.
1. Bipolar Disorder Is What You Have, Not Who You Are
You still must live with bipolar, stand up to it, accommodate yourself to it, resist it, accept it, manage it. But bipolar is your diagnosis, not your identity. Separating yourself from the mental health condition that is causing a problem in this way will allow your true character to help you decide how you want to live with your bipolar and its consequences. Stability begets stability.
2. Apologize
Apologize genuinely, sincerely, deeply, specifically, and directly. It doesn’t matter specifically what you say, but only that you can express the remorse you feel in a way the other person will fully understand. Focus less on phrasing your apology “correctly” and more on expressing your sincere feelings and understanding of the harm or negative effects your loved one faced as a result.
3. Make Reparations as Best You Can
When you’re apologizing, make it clear that you care about the other person and the relationship — and you want to resolve the damage done and restore the relationship as best you can. Making up for past wrongs can be an intricate and painful undertaking for anyone, but especially for those with bipolar. Remember, forgiveness is a process, not an event.
4. Accept Responsibility
Try not to blame your bipolar. Even if an unmanaged episode or symptoms are at the root of the problem, it is important for the other person to know that you accept responsibility for what went wrong. Don’t offer an excuse. Instead, admit that what you did (or said) was wrong. Keep in mind that it may not matter to the wronged party whether you were manic or depressed at the time.
5. Redouble Efforts to Do the Right Thing and Demonstrate Good Character
This will take time. Telling your loved one that things will change or you will change is one thing; putting those words into action, repeatedly, is what makes a difference. Show them that whatever behaviors you exhibited were the exception, not the rule. Then do your best to prevent episodes that may cause you to act in ways you normally wouldn’t. Be responsible, reliable, trustworthy, competent, and focused.
6. Remain Humble and Dedicated to Treatment
Find the best treatment providers you can, and involve your loved ones in your wellness plan. Being willing to prove that you value the feelings of others in your life, experts say, often translates into the notion of “making sure you do all that you can to stay mentally healthy.” Preventing future wrongdoing by managing your bipolar as best you are able will go a long way toward reestablishing trust.
7. Realize That Everyone Makes Mistakes
But avoid repeatedly making the same mistakes. This ties into being committed to your treatment plan. It’s also necessary to forgive yourself. You might think that you don’t “deserve” self-forgiveness, but that is not true. One of the best ways to truly forgive yourself is to work at making amends with those who have been harmed by your actions (or inactions).
8. Ask for Forgiveness
Hold this request until after you have apologized and allowed the other person to respond. When the time feels right, ask if you can be forgiven for your wrongdoing; then ask if it would help the other person to know what’s going on your life. Ask first before providing excuses or explanations.
9. Recognize That Rebuilding Trust Is a Process
Just as making amends is a process, so, too, is reestablishing a sense of trust. It’s a staircase to climb, not an event. “Often, forgiveness must be earned over time, especially if there have been repeated breaches of trust” stemming from undiagnosed or unmanaged bipolar disorder or mood instability, says Daniel L. Buccino, LCSW-C, clinical manager for the Johns Hopkins Broadway Center for Addiction.
UPDATED: Excerpted and modified from “The Power of Amends,” Winter 2009
