With bipolar disorder, it’s not always easy to tell when your self-care crosses into selfishness — until it’s too late.
With bipolar disorder, it can be difficult to distinguish between “self-care” and “selfishness.”
In my mind, “self-care” is recognizing my self-worth enough to take care of my personal needs while considering and respecting the needs of those around me. “Selfishness,” on the other hand, is acting in my own self-interest, believing that I am entitled to behave a certain way, and who cares about others?
Writing is cathartic — a way to “clean the cupboards,” learn more about myself, track my bipolar disorder symptoms and stability, and empathize with others. I consider it an exercise in self-care.
But it’s surprising how quickly this particular exercise in self-care recently turned into an act of selfishness.
What Does Selfishness Look Like With Bipolar Disorder?
One time, my husband and I took a day trip near the Grand Canyon’s North Rim. We had arranged to explore the back hunting roads and forests of fir, birch, and aspen trees, see some wildlife, and enjoy each other’s company.
Around this time, I was working with my editor to finalize an essay. The deadline was fast-approaching, so I figured I’d chat with her on my cellphone during our drive. Reception was awful, and my editor and I could barely carry on a conversation as my husband drove around hell-and-gone — 8,000 feet up — trying to find a signal.
As the minutes passed, I became hypomanic, irritable, worried, and anxious.
RELATED: The Art of Self-Care With Bipolar Disorder
At last, my husband located a wildfire lookout tower stretching 100 feet into the sky. We climbed the tower and I finally found a strong signal. I connected with my editor and carried on a productive conversation. Ironically, at the end of our call, she and I both realized that we easily could have covered everything in an email.
I turned my attention to my husband once again — and he was mad. A day we’d planned as self-care had turned into one where I acted selfishly.
I had changed my focus from peaceful journey to manic demands, in order to do what I claimed to be good for me. I felt guilty and very sad — not only for angering my husband, but also for understanding that my selfish behavior had served no positive end for either of us.
How Bipolar Mood Episodes Can Affect Self-Care
We all know how the mood polarity can change lickety-split. If we’re not mindful, we can end up stuck on a hamster wheel between self-care and selfishness.
Those with bipolar disorder who are in a more depressive cycle often believe they don’t deserve to focus on their own stability journey. They think they don’t deserve to take care of their personal needs or accept help from others. In their minds, to do so would be selfish — because that would take attention away from someone more “worthy” of help.
Those who are experiencing the manic side of bipolar, on the other hand, sometimes presume that they deserve everything — being selfish is just part of the fun. It’s possible that when people are in a manic phase, they may not recognize that they are being selfish. Or, they may see their behavior clearly, but just not care.
Learning to Balance Self-Care, Selfishness, and Coping Skills
Who can forget the saying, “Step on a crack, break your mother’s back”?
To step carefully around the cracks becomes a dance in self-care as you learn balance, control, and grace. Walking the sidewalk toward wellness — and learning to trust the ability to heal without the arrogance of selfishness — may be one of the toughest coping skills to master.
On my Grand Canyon outing, clearly I didn’t pay much attention to my behavior initially. Yet I did take full responsibility for it.
Driving through the forest after my call, my husband and I attempted to salvage our day trip. It was very hard for both of us, though, because my mood and behavior had changed three times in as many hours.
RELATED: Bipolar Disorder: How to Prioritize Your Self-Care
However, we finally came to a hunting road, pulled onto the dirt, and saw the forest open to reveal a beautiful meadow. We walked to the top of the meadow, looking down the gentle slope at the wildflowers, grasses, and low-alpine moss. The trees enveloped us.
Sitting in silence for some time, breathing deeply and slowly, I started to feel more at ease — and I knew I was caring well for myself and embodying self-care.
UPDATED: Originally printed as “Newbie Notes: Is Self-Care Selfish?” Spring 2010
