Deciding when to disclose your bipolar diagnosis is personal, but being open can help build a stronger connection.
Key Takeaways
- Deciding when to share your diagnosis is personal, but sharing your treatment plan can ease a partner’s worries.
- Protect your stability by keeping steady routines (especially sleep and exercise) as the relationship energy ramps up.
- If someone rejects you because of a diagnosis, that’s about their fear, not your worth as a partner.
- If the relationship starts throwing off your mental health or treatment plan, set boundaries and loop in your clinician if needed.
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Finding a partner who understands and supports your journey is a significant part of living well. Whether you’re just beginning to navigate the dating scene or looking for ways to deepen an existing connection, understanding how to manage your needs alongside a new romance is key. As you move forward, you may find it helpful to explore more specific areas of relationship growth.
Hope R. dated several men after she was diagnosed with bipolar 2 disorder years ago, but none of the relationships lasted long enough to make her mental health a primary topic of conversation. When she developed feelings for a local restaurateur later on, she knew she would have to talk to him about her diagnosis before things got serious.
“I was excited about this blossoming relationship and was enamored with this man,” recalls Hope of Denver, Colorado. “But I remember thinking, ‘He’s going to freak out when I tell him I have bipolar disorder.’”
The “when and how” decision was taken out of her hands when her new love dropped a bombshell: His soon-to-be ex had bipolar, and it was one reason why they were divorcing.
RELATED: How to Protect Your Relationships During Mood Episodes
Listening to her date explain how his wife refused treatment — and how the condition took its toll on her health and their marriage — Hope realized she had to share her diagnosis sooner rather than later, even though she was terrified he would end their relationship.
“I said, ‘I understand if you want to run out the door and never see me again, but I’d like to continue our date and tell you everything I can about my diagnosis and how I manage my bipolar,’” Hope recalls. “His reaction surprised me. He could not have been more positive and agreed to give our relationship a chance.”
Deciding When to Share Your Bipolar Diagnosis
Dating is always fraught with expectations, anxiety, and disappointment. Living with bipolar adds layers of complications:
- Should I reveal my diagnosis and trust this new love interest with it?
- What if it’s a deal-breaker?
- If we do move forward, how will the new relationship weather my mood shifts?
“It brings up a lot of fears, and those fears ignite the temptation not to talk about it,” acknowledges Lisa Little, RN, a chartered psychologist in Ontario. “But pretending the bipolar doesn’t exist is more likely to cause problems in the relationship.”
Educate Your Date About Bipolar Disorder
When telling a prospective partner that you have bipolar, Little suggests sharing details about how it affects your behavior, including symptoms of mania, hypomania, and depression, as well as emphasizing how you manage the disorder.
It’s important to recognize that your date probably will have concerns — some legitimate, some stigma-induced — about getting involved with someone who has a chronic mental health condition. “Providing specific information will help dissolve some of the fear,” Little says.
Hope says that learning how committed she is to managing her bipolar through medication, regular counseling, and healthy habits went a long way toward alleviating any worries her boyfriend had about dating someone with the condition.
“When I met him, I was in a well-managed state and able to hear his questions and respond to them in a positive way,” she says. With only his soon-to-be ex-wife as an example, she adds, “He was shocked that someone could live a good life with bipolar.”
When Is the Best Time to Disclose Your Diagnosis?
Opinion is divided on the best time to bring up your bipolar diagnosis to the person you’re dating. The conversation could happen on the first date to get the information settled one way or another or later in the relationship when there is greater commitment and trust.
According to Louisa Sylvia, PhD, a psychologist at the Bipolar Clinic and Research Program at Massachusetts General Hospital, it definitely needs to be discussed before making any major moves.
“I typically recommend that individuals with bipolar disorder tell their partner about it before they decide to make long-term commitments to each other, such as deciding to live together, get married, or have children,” Dr. Sylvia says.
Why Some Choose Immediate Disclosure
Chris M. prefers to discuss his bipolar diagnosis right away before he’s deeply invested in a new girlfriend.
“My anxiety over waiting too long to tell them is greater than worrying about how they might react,” explains Chris of Tucson, Arizona. He adds, “I never want a woman I’m dating to think I’m hiding something. A breach of trust like that can be devastating to a relationship.”
Talking to girlfriends about the realities of living with bipolar — including his need to maintain a regular sleep schedule, avoid alcohol, keep up with his meds, and attend regular counseling appointments — also makes it easier for Chris to stick with his management plan.
Similarly, sharing details about his bipolar provides a context for his shifting moods and opens the door to conversations about how that might play out in the relationship.
Dating During Stability vs. Active Mood Episodes
Timing your disclosure is often easier when you feel balanced, as it allows you to explain your stability plan with clarity. However, your perspective on dating may shift depending on your current mood state. During a period of stability, you are better equipped to set healthy boundaries.
In contrast, an active mood episode — whether manic or depressive — can make it difficult to process a partner’s reaction or maintain the routines necessary for your well-being. Prioritizing your mental health first ensures you are entering a relationship when you are most ready to build a healthy connection.
How Bipolar Symptoms Can Impact Romance
Although research is limited on how bipolar disorder affects new relationships, one analysis found that marital disruption is higher when one partner in a relationship has a mental health condition.
Another study highlights that when one partner has a psychiatric diagnosis, it can place significant strain on the relationship and may even lead to its breakdown. This often happens because the partner without the condition may take on additional responsibilities, increasing stress and tension.
Researchers also emphasized that this is an “under-researched area of mental health,” pointing to the need for further exploration.
“One challenge with dating when you have bipolar disorder is dealing with intense mood states, from extreme highs to extreme lows,” notes Sylvia. “Both ends of the spectrum cause problems in relationships.”
In a manic state, Chris can become volatile and unreliable, arguing with girlfriends over trivial matters and canceling plans with little regard for their feelings. In contrast, he says, depression leads him to withdraw and avoid partners.
Victoria A. knows that pattern well. The moment something goes wrong in a relationship, she pulls away and turns inward, deepening the rift. The beginning of a new relationship, meanwhile, triggers hypomania, decreasing her inhibitions, increasing her libido, and leading her to spend all night drinking, dancing, and writing love letters to her new flame.
Finding a Supportive Partner Who Understands Bipolar
Victoria, of Orlando, Florida, has had her share of new starts. Diagnosed with bipolar years ago, she has struggled as an adult to find a partner who understands her mood shifts.
One girlfriend tried to be compassionate, she recalls, but attributed all of their arguments to the mood disorder, making Victoria feel discounted as a person.
However, when Victoria met an artist who also has bipolar disorder, she thought it would be the perfect match. Despite their shared bond — or rather, because of it — things didn’t work out.
“I thought that having the mutual experience of bipolar made us kindred spirits,” explains Victoria. “When she was depressed, I was manic; the whole relationship was a disaster, but it did make me more compassionate and understanding of what my partners go through.”
RELATED: Love and Bipolar: How to Strengthen Your Relationship
For some couples, says Jon P. Bloch, PhD, co-author of The Bipolar Relationship, coping with the realities of bipolar disorder together can make a relationship stronger.
“A lot of couples believe that weathering these kinds of challenges is the true test of their relationship — the idea of sticking with someone for ‘better or worse,’” notes Dr. Bloch. “If a partner sticks by you through a trying situation, it can bring you closer together.”
Over time, Victoria came to see that someone who couldn’t be open-minded and supportive would not be a good match.
Victoria started dating her current partner years ago after they’d exchanged emails for months. She felt confident enough to disclose her diagnosis on their fifth date and was not disappointed.
“She was so compassionate,” Victoria recalls. “My therapist always told me that I needed to find someone who would accompany me on my journey to recovery. When we met, I knew I had found the right partner.”
Dealing With Rejection
Victoria recalls that the first girlfriend she talked to about her diagnosis stormed out of the room and then refused to return her calls.
Ken J., of Calgary, Alberta, suspects his bipolar lies behind many of his breakups.
“Every time a relationship ends — even if she gives me some other reason for the breakup — I ask myself, ‘Did it end because I have bipolar disorder?’” says Ken, who was diagnosed decades ago.
Ken believes fear is the number one reason past girlfriends have left — fear that bipolar will cause instability in the relationship or that he’ll go wild during mania.
“Rejection is devastating because I have been depersonalized into a clinical diagnosis,” says Ken. “It’s difficult to be rejected for something you can’t control.”
Though such feelings are natural, Bloch points out that rejection based on your bipolar should not be taken personally.
“Are there people who will not want to date you because you have bipolar disorder? Unfortunately, yes,” he says. “That is about their issues and fears, not about you.”
Prioritizing Your Mental Health While Dating
Whether or not the person you’re attracted to can handle your bipolar isn’t the only thing to consider. Assessing how any new relationship affects your moods and treatment plan is critical.
“You have to put your health first,” Bloch says.
The heady days of early dating often involve going out to bars and clubs, staying up late, and accommodating someone else’s schedule. Older research — of which Sylvia was the lead author — found that the disruption of social rhythms, including sleep patterns, diet, and exercise, often triggered depressive and hypomanic symptoms in those with bipolar disorder.
“If you feel like you’re making too many compromises with your mental health and the basics are being disrupted, take a step back and re-evaluate the relationship,” Sylvia says.
Communicate Your Needs and Boundaries
When dating, communicating your needs and boundaries — and sticking to them — is key. For instance, Chris typically declines when women he meets suggest going out for drinks or staying out late.
“I’ve had to tell women, ‘I’m not up for two late nights in a row,” he explains. “There have been a few times in past relationships when that has been frustrating for women, and it’s caused friction.”
RELATED: How to Repair Relationships Affected by Bipolar Disorder
Suggesting dates like dinner and a movie, coffee, and concerts in the park allows Chris to have a good time without disrupting the habits that keep his well-being in check. And if he makes a date and doesn’t feel up to keeping it, Chris believes that being honest is the best approach.
Hope, too, works hard to keep the lines of communication open with her partner. She’s upfront with him about her moods and checks in to see if he has any questions or concerns.
“I have met one of the kindest and most generous people I have ever known,” she says. “I hope to stay in a good and healthy place for myself, but also so I can continue to be a good partner.”
Editorial Sources and Fact-Checking
- Butterworth P et al. Mental Health Problems and Marital Disruption: Is It the Combination of Husbands’ and Wives’ Mental Health Problems That Predicts Later Divorce? Social Psychiatry and Psychiatric Epidemiology. May 13, 2008.
- Mokoena AG et al. Lived Experiences of Couples in a Relationship Where One Partner Is Diagnosed With a Mental Illness. Curationis. September 19, 2019.
- Sylvia LG et al. Life Events and Social Rhythms in Bipolar Spectrum Disorders: A Prospective Study. Behavior Therapy. November 5, 2008.
UPDATED: Printed as “The Dating Game”, Winter 2012
