Don’t let bipolar disorder create distance between you and your partner — here’s how to nurture intimacy with care and intention.
What are some things I can work on with my partner to improve intimacy?
Developing strong relationships based on trust, honesty, love, and compassion does require effort and dedication from both partners. The good news is that intimacy is something that grows over time! Here are some ideas for improving intimacy that can benefit anyone, not just people living with bipolar disorder.
- Make regular time for intimacy. Romance may not always come spontaneously, so it’s okay and even a good idea to plan romantic evenings, even romantic moments.
- Try to show kindness in thoughts and actions toward your partner. Small but thoughtful gestures can go a long way.
- Be honest in expressing what you like and don’t like when it comes to intimate acts.
- Try to stay as healthy as you can. If your illness is disrupting intimacy, be clear with your partner about the cause (“my depression is causing me to feel less interested, but my feelings for you are still there”). Healthy food, exercise, and working with your wellness team will help maximize your health and boost your ability to experience intimacy.
- Avoiding intoxicating substances. As Shakespeare notes in Macbeth, alcohol “provokes the desire, but takes away the performance.”
How can I deal with the sexual side effects of medications?
Some medications that are used to help manage bipolar disorder have sexual side effects. Be open with your partner about any challenges, and seek advice from your healthcare provider.
There may be emotional side effects, with low desire for intimacy and just not being able to get into the mood for sex, or there may be physical performance challenges involving developing and sustaining erections or problems with vaginal dryness. A frank discussion with a trusted healthcare provider will identify strategies to overcome these issues.
RELATED: Low Sex Drive? How Bipolar Disorder Affects Your Libido
Your doctor may recommend moisturizing liquids or gels; medications to treat erectile dysfunction; or consultation with a sex therapist. Take it slow and work toward building intimacy, recognizing that not every interaction will be what you want it to be. But gradually, and with a loving, caring partner, you can and should expect good things.
When beginning a new relationship, how open should I be about my bipolar disorder?
Consider sharing this kind of information if you feel that the nature of the relationship is sufficiently caring that you trust the person enough to be comfortable with the discussion.
It is often very helpful to talk this over with a therapist before beginning a conversation with your partner. Depending on your mood fluctuation, your partner may have already picked up hints that something is different with you.
If you decide to share news of your illness, I suggest you be direct, open, and honest and present the information in a matter-of-fact manner (“I need to tell you something about my health, I have bipolar disorder”).
You may want to give your partner a book that describes the illness accurately and demonstrates that folks with bipolar do live productive lives despite the illness, such as Kay Jamison’s Unquiet Mind.
I do not recommend sharing details of embarrassing behavior during past manic episodes, or the depths of despair felt in a depression. As the relationship develops and strengthens, you can decide how much detail to provide. After all, most people have things from the past that they are not proud of. If pressed for details, you may simply wish to state that things happened in the context of the illness that you would not normally choose to do.
Working with your partner, with support and advice from your healthcare provider, a therapist, or a trusted family confidant, you can rest assured that intimacy is achievable in the context of bipolar disorder. Honesty, trust, and compassion — with yourself and with your partner — help build the foundation for a healthy relationship.
UPDATED: Printed as “Ask the Doctor: Getting Closer”, Winter 2014
