Understanding how mood episodes, low energy, and distorted thinking can lead to distancing from loved ones.
In the decades I’ve lived with bipolar, and worked with countless others who do, I’ve found that during mood episodes, friends and family are more prone to back away from our lives. Similarly, we may find ourselves separating from meaningful relationships or forfeiting friendships with those who could be supporting us most.
This twofold problem makes battling bipolar disorder more baffling. Distancing from family and friends creates stress and pain for everyone involved, no matter who initiates the withdrawal.
It’s important to clarify that while this distancing often feels like a personal breakup, it’s frequently a symptomatic response to the illness rather than a choice. Understanding why this withdrawal happens is the first step toward stability. It’s time to stop making excuses and start offering explanations for what occurs. Here are five factors worth considering:
1. Managing Mood-Driven Behavior
I know that what I sometimes do or say can upset others. Whether it’s acting impulsively, speaking insensitively, or being generally irritating, the problem is real and can cause friends and family to back away.
It’s common for people living with bipolar to be unaware (initially, at least) when inappropriate behavior occurs. Later, we frequently feel intense remorse over what we’ve said or done. We must distinguish between mood-driven symptoms and intentional distancing; identifying these behaviors allows us to take accountability for our actions without internalizing unnecessary blame.
2. Managing Social Commitments and Energy
It’s often hard for us to make plans, especially long-term ones, with any degree of confidence. On many occasions, I end up lacking enough “get-up-and-go” when it’s time to get up and go. Disturbed sleep and deep depression can sabotage our strength, sometimes to the point of exhaustion.
It’s important to establish expectations when making a commitment. As others learn that managing our mood swings can diminish our energy and endurance, they’ll (hopefully) be more understanding when we must (unfortunately) back out.
3. Navigating Distorted Thinking
Bipolar disorder can play havoc with your thinking. When I’m in a manic phase, my thoughts can run wild. While I may interact with others effortlessly and form relationships easily, I’m also more apt to be offensive. After such an episode subsides, I sometimes realize that my state of mind led to regrettable missteps.
This scenario can make people uncomfortable or lead them to cut off communication completely. But if we’re willing to accept responsibility and make amends where possible, others may be amenable to rethinking the situation, reconsidering their response, and reconnecting with us.
4. Overcoming Low Self-Esteem
Dealing with low self-esteem has been especially challenging for me; unfortunately, this often causes me to distance myself from people. Furthermore, when you don’t properly value yourself, you may believe that others devalue you too!
Although I still struggle with my self-image, years of therapy have produced some positive results and taught me some important lessons. For example, the more open and transparent I am about my situation, the more likely others are to bolster my self-confidence and be there for me.
5. Accepting the Limits of Others
Whether or not you have bipolar, there will always be some friends and family members who are more supportive than others. Some people simply lack the disposition or the desire to deal with our unpredictability; they may grow weary or give up on us altogether. That’s not a criticism; it’s a reality: some relationships just aren’t meant to be.
That said, never give up hope. A rich friendship with a particular person may not be possible, but a casual connection might. Improbable doesn’t have to mean impossible!
During a symptomatic phase, we can behave in unreliable, unpredictable, and sometimes unrelenting ways. While such inclinations may be unintentional, they can keep others more than an arm’s length away. When loved ones misinterpret or misunderstand the situation, the problem is magnified.
Reframing Reconnection and Moving Forward
As we move toward stability, it is helpful to view reconnection as a conditional process. Not every bridge should be rebuilt immediately, and some relationships may function best with new, firmer boundaries.
Reconnecting can depend a lot on the situation. Some friendships might fall back into place and feel close again, while others may need a bit more distance to keep everyone emotionally safe. When we accept that some people are meant to be in our lives for a chapter — and others for the long haul — it becomes easier to invest our time and energy in the relationships that truly support us and our well-being.
We all have our limits. Sharing and then respecting each other’s boundaries is a good way to begin the process of turning back to one another, not away. Doing so can improve and enrich life for everyone!
Editor’s note: Longtime columnist and mental health advocate Stephen Propst passed away in 2022; however, his enduring words of wisdom continue to resonate. We share them here to offer support and insight to the bipolar community.
UPDATED: Printed as “Mind Over Mood: Turning Back, Not Away,” Fall 2019
