She had an “Aha!” moment two months ago — her inner critic will torment her no more. Since then, she’s been learning all she can about it, including its origin and purpose. Her goal is to one day say, “Do I have an inner critic? A well-managed one — yes.”
When we’re mindful, we recognize that a self-critical thought isn’t necessarily an objective fact about our character or abilities — it’s only a thought.
Introduction
This three-part inner critic series was one of the positive outcomes of some nasty encounters with mine over the past three months.
So far, we’ve handled inner critic introductory information as well as its origin and purpose. With the help of Simply Psychology expert Dr. Saul McLeod, we’ll wrap the series up with a discussion of inner critic management.
It’ll be helpful to have read, or have within reach, part one (introductory info) and part two (origin and purpose).
Let’s get busy.
Opening with truth
Dr. McLeod lays down truth from the get-go. Managing our inner critic isn’t about forever silencing it. That isn’t going to happen. Maybe you’ve learned, as I have, that It’s the same for obsessions, compulsions, ruminating, and intrusive thoughts — the harder we press for total cessation, the more disappointed and frustrated we’re going to be.
Don’t get caught up in trying to 100% eliminate your inner critic. You’ll be perpetually disappointed and frustrated if you do.
McLeod submits the goal is changing our relationship with the dreaded voice, which speaks on behalf of a component of self. That allows us to hear what our inner critic has to say — some of which we’ll no doubt loathe — and do our best to respond in kindness and continue working toward embracing the life path we’ve chosen.
We have to keep in mind that we may not like our inner critic, but it’s still ours.
Components of a self-compassionate mindset
Dr. McLeod brings Dr. Kristin Neff’s three components of a self-compassionate mindset.to the table. He believes they work well together and can help us neutralize our inner critic.
They are…
- Mindfullness
- Common humanity
- Self-kindness
Let’s take a quick look…
Mindfulness
As you likely know, mindfulness involves observing our thoughts and feelings without judgment or suppression. When we’re mindful, we recognize that a self-critical thought isn’t necessarily an objective fact about our character or abilities — it’s only a thought.
McLeod urges us to stop fighting the thoughts — what he refers to as “embrace and allow.” And I think many of us have caught on that trying to put the kibosh on, or modify, negative thoughts is a backfiring waste of time and energy. Can you think of some personal examples?
By the way, he also believes that allowing uncomfortable thoughts to exist without reacting to them can redirect our focus toward actions that align with our actual values.
Common humanity
No, this isn’t about “Misery loves company.” The inner critic thrives on isolation, making us feel like the only people in the world who fail. Sort of a “divide and conquer” tactic. But we all make mistakes, and when we accept that, it helps dissolve our intense sense of shame.
Common humanity recognizes that suffering and personal inadequacy are part of the shared human experience. Hence, we can’t be alone in our struggles.
Self-kindness
Man, this has been a tough one for me over the years. I mean, it sounds so sensible and easy — being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer or feel inadequate — but go figure.
Self-kindness belongs here because it replaces the harsh, punitive voice with a supportive and encouraging one. I mean, let’s drop statements like “I’m so stupid” and replace them with the likes of “This one’s always given me a rough time.”
Interesting: McLeod points out that when we begin to think and behave in this spirit, it activates our care-providing system — which releases oxytocin (the hormone associated with bonding and safety).
Developing the inner coach
“…unlike the inner critic, which utilizes shame-based motivation, the inner coach leverages self-efficacy.”
Have you ever had a coach who through wisdom and consistency helped you attain your goals? McLeod introduces one to this playing field. The inner coach practices functional self-compassion, acknowledging personal distress while maintaining high standards.
While self-indulgence seeks immediate emotional gratification, the inner coach wisely prioritizes long-term flourishing. It employs “fierce compassion” to encourage disciplined action through a lens of mentorship rather than malice.
Cognitive restructuring
Cultivating an inner coach involves the deliberate transition from a punitive internal dialogue to a supportive, goal-oriented one. For many of us, that’s a big change.
The process relies on cognitive restructuring —identifying, challenging, and altering negative or irrational thought patterns. Are you familiar with it? Have you used it?
Bottom-line: unlike the inner critic, which utilizes shame-based motivation, the inner coach leverages self-efficacy.
Linguistic shifts and second-person perspective
The inner coach utilizes distanced self-talk to bypass the emotional intensity of the first-person experience. By addressing oneself as “you” or by name, the individual activates the brain’s regulatory mechanisms.
So it’s about decentering, the ability to view our thoughts and feelings as temporary objective events in the mind rather than as facts. And the linguistic pivot transforms a subjective crisis into a manageable tactical one.
Shift your language
To put it into action, instead of making “I am” statements like, “I am a loser” or “I am bad,” reframe the thought to “I am having the thought that I am a loser”.
Can you see what a difference it makes? It helps us recognize that the criticism is merely a mental event produced by our mind, not an objective reflection of our identity.
And why not personify the voice by giving it a name or persona? I do it with a variety of “intruders” — affectionately. Personifying the critic allows us to observe it objectively and realize we don’t have to follow its commands.
McLeod suggests imagining the critic as a well-meaning but overbearing great-grandmother who is desperately trying to keep us safe.
Somatic soothing and the compassion break
Intimate self-compassion
A somatic self-compassion break combines physical, bodily soothing techniques with the cognitive and emotional steps of self-compassion.
Dr. McLeod does a great job describing it, including a very helpful table. I’m going to yield and refer you to his article for the full scoop. Once you’re there, scroll down a bit and you can’t miss it: Somatic soothing and the compassion break
Cognitive distortions: The critic’s toolkit
I can’t think of many people who endure an emotional or mental illness — or undiagnosed general distress — who don’t use cognitive distortions (whether they realize it, or not).
According to Dr. McLeod, our inner critic utilizes cognitive distortions to maintain its power. These traps convince us that their harsh self-assessments are logical and true. Trust me, they’re slick.
Given they’ve loomed large in my life, I wrote “15 Cognitive Distortions: Don’t let ‘em spoil your fun.” as a holiday piece several years ago. Check it out — I’ll bet many of them hit home.
Fact is, they’re ours
That’s going to do it for our discussion of inner critic management — as well as our three-part series. And with its “pop up out of nowhere” presence and power, it deserved three parts.
I’ve been in the emotional and mental illness trenches for decades. And as much as I’ve been stung by mind phenomena like the inner critic, I marvel at how the brain pulls them off. Fact is, they’re ours — and we have the authority and responsibility to manage them.
Be sure to catch part one (introduction) and part two (origin and purpose).
I’ll bet I missed more than a thing or two, so give Dr. McLeod’s.article on Simply Psychology a go: “How to Manage Your Inner Critic.” And while you’re there, check out his profile and the rest of the site.
Please peruse the Chipur emotional and mental illness info and inspiration titles on the articles page — or by category below, right sidebar on desktop. We’ll both appreciate it.
After a decades-long wrestling match with emotional and mental illness, Bill finally found his professional and personal passion – life’s meaning. He wanted to lend a hand to those struggling as he did, so off he went to grad school at age 49 and earned his counseling credentials. He continues his service through Chipur and other projects.
