Explaining invisible symptoms can be hard. Use simple terms and scripts to bridge the gap with family and friends.
Explaining bipolar disorder to our friends and family is rarely easy, especially when our symptoms are invisible to the outside world. It would be much easier for people to understand the condition if our brains bulged out of the sides of our heads when we became sick. Then someone could see the bulge and say, “Oh, Julie must be sick! Her brains are sticking out of her head!”
Of course, our heads look the same no matter how ill we are. Yet because we don’t display obvious physical symptoms, it’s often very difficult for others to understand what we go through. In fact, sometimes we don’t even know what’s happening to ourselves.
As a result, we need to explain what bipolar looks and feels like in a way that our family and friends can understand. If we cannot find a way to do this, strained relationships may result.
How to Explain Bipolar Disorder in Simple Terms
When I explain bipolar disorder in plain language, I try not to start with a textbook definition. I start with what people can picture.
I might say: “Bipolar disorder is a brain-based illness that changes how my mood, energy, sleep, thinking, and behavior work. It is not the same as being moody. The changes come in episodes, and they can be intense enough to affect my work, relationships, spending, decisions, and safety.”
That usually opens the door. Then I can add: “I’m still myself, but when I’m in an episode, my brain may send me messages that are too high, too fast, too dark, or too distorted. Treatment and a management plan help me stay well.”
Explain Moodiness vs Bipolar Mood Swings or Episodes
The first step is to explain the difference between normal variations in mood and extreme bipolar mood swings.
Maybe you have heard this comment when you tell someone you have bipolar: “Everyone is moody. Doesn’t everyone have a form of bipolar disorder?”
I always want to call the well-meaning person who says this an idiot, but I don’t, of course. Instead, I simply and calmly explain the real differences between normal changes in mood and the severe mood swings that cycle and result from bipolar disorder.
Mood Swings Are Episodic, Yet Moodiness Has a Distinct Trigger
Unlike bipolar mood swings, moodiness has a trigger that makes sense. And it is in context — a bad day at work, a fight with a boyfriend, moving, or something really sad and sudden, such as getting fired or the death of a loved one. Moodiness can even be the result of someone’s personality.
Bipolar disorder mood swings, on the other hand, are very different. They are often inappropriate or unreasonable responses to triggers, or they may lack any connection to a specific trigger.
Bipolar mood swings, moreover, have nothing to do with one’s personality. The mood swings can get dangerously low, or be unreasonably high or manic. They can show up in other ways, too, such as through spending sprees. But they are always episodic, with a distinct beginning and end.
Bipolar Mood Swings Can Affect All Areas of Our Lives
Furthermore, unlike moodiness, bipolar disorder mood swings can be very difficult and, in some cases, impossible to control. If a person is told to simply “zip it” or “cut it out” when manic, they may not hear or understand the comment. This is because the manic brain distorts the meaning of words.
And in contrast to “moodiness,” if bipolar mood swings are not managed, the results can be serious: an inability to work, ruined relationships, the loss of one’s life savings, and even death. Indeed, bipolar mood swings can negatively affect all areas of our lives, while moodiness rarely does.
To Help Explain Bipolar Disorder, Create Various ‘Scripts’
Certainly, it’s easier to explain bipolar disorder and how it affects your moods if you plan ahead on what you will say.
I call these “scripts,” memorized patterns of talking, something we typically associate with the written speech of actors. But anyone can take advantage of using a script — after all, salespeople do it all the time.
Scripts in the context of bipolar disorder can clearly explain your illness and how it affects your behavior. At the same time, a script acknowledges the other person’s feelings (who may be experiencing confusion or anger due to your mood).
RELATED: How to Explain Bipolar Disorder to Our Friends and Family
I taught myself to use certain scripts in difficult circumstances. I also use this exercise with my coaching clients who need help talking to their loved ones during a crisis.
You can view the script as a starting point for a conversation, or as a way to state what you mean, even when you’re stressed or tired.
When explaining what happened when you were sick, it’s essential that you acknowledge all the negative feelings the other person might have had in response — fear, worry, anger, or distrust, for instance.
Explaining Is Not the Same as Justifying
Here’s something important: Explaining bipolar disorder does not mean justifying hurtful behavior. I can explain that mania affected my thinking or that depression made communication almost impossible, but I still have to take responsibility for what happened and for my treatment plan going forward.
That distinction matters. When we explain the illness, we help people understand the “why.” When we take responsibility, we help rebuild trust. Both are needed.
Scripts are also a way to prepare people for what might happen in a stressful situation, leading to productive, calm discussions with them ahead of time.
Sample Scripts You Can Use With Family and Friends
When you’re trying to explain your needs or experiences to loved ones, the right words can make a big difference. Here are two sample scripts you might find helpful — one for when plans change, and another for when someone asks about bipolar disorder.
1. When someone asks, “Why do you need a set schedule?”
“Scheduling is very important to me because of my depression. It helps a lot to know where I will be and when.
If you cancel, it messes up my system, and I can get quite depressed. I know this is a burden for you, and I appreciate that you’re taking the time to listen to me. However, this is why I get a bit freaked out if you change our plans at the last minute.
If there’s a chance you might need to cancel, please let me know as soon as possible. And if you’re saying ‘yes’ to something that is only tentative in your mind, please let me know. I promise I will be a fun companion and not let the depression get in the way. And I know I am really weird about the time thing, but I hope you can understand.”
2. When someone says, “Tell me about bipolar disorder.”
People often ask me what I do. When I explain that I create management plans for people with bipolar disorder and depression, I get a lot of interest. Since my first book came out in 2004, I have never attended a social gathering without someone asking me for more information about bipolar. Here’s how I usually explain it:
“Bipolar disorder is a brain-based disorder that affects a person’s ability to regulate their moods. It used to be called ‘manic depression.’ Most people understand ‘depression’ because they have experienced sadness. But ‘mania’ is harder to understand. It means our brains go up, chemically speaking.
RELATED: Why Emotions Can Feel More Intense With Bipolar
This causes weird — and sometimes, damaging — behavior, and people may go to the hospital if a manic episode gets really extreme. People with bipolar disorder experience the world differently — we have the same emotions as those without the condition, but they are far more intense.
But bipolar can be managed. Medications are usually needed, along with a treatment plan.”
Explain That Bipolar Is a Health Condition, Just Like Diabetes
When I talk about bipolar to people unfamiliar with the illness, I always stress that it’s a brain illness and doesn’t define who we are as individuals. Rather, it’s an illness, just as diabetes is.
I find this leads to many insightful questions. Without fail, many people go on to tell me they have a family member who has depression or bipolar disorder.
Explaining bipolar disorder is the first step to enjoying positive relationships with the people in your life. But it’s only the first step of many.
I believe that all of us with bipolar have an obligation to make the changes that will keep us well. When we do everything in our power to clearly explain the illness to those we care about, we make it easier for them to support and love us.
And that’s preventive medicine.
Other Insights to Share About Bipolar Disorder
- I’m not like other people in your life. I can’t “get over it,” “mellow out,” “learn to live with it,” “take a chill pill,” “calm down,” “deal with it,” or change the way you want me to change. It takes a huge amount of will just to survive this illness. Mania takes away my reasoning, while depression makes life pointless.
- If you tell me to change when I’m in a mood swing, I won’t believe that I can, or I won’t even hear you. My brain is telling me something different than what you’re telling me. People with bipolar disorder have a “civil war” going on in their brains — this war is between the actual person and the ill person. And sometimes the ill person wins.
- But I am here, and I want to listen to you. Learn as much as you can about bipolar disorder and then ask me questions. This way, we can communicate better.
- Our relationships mean so much. I promise to do all that I can to manage this illness.
UPDATED: Originally printed as “Fast Talk: Script Solutions,” Spring 2010
