Understand what drives self-sabotage in bipolar disorder, and learn expert-backed ways to protect your stability.
Key Takeaways
- Self-sabotage is a behavior pattern, not a diagnosis, and it can look different during depression, hypomania, or mania.
- Self-sabotage is not the same as self-harm. Understanding the difference can help guide the right kind of support.
- Steady routines, mood tracking, and “pause before acting” strategies can help reduce impulsive choices.
- If mood shifts or behavior patterns are causing serious distress, reach out to a mental health professional for support.
Like it or not, as humans, we tend to get in our own way. Whether intentionally or unintentionally, we can set up all kinds of plans to move toward a goal, only to eventually retreat from it. And, in some cases, we may bend over backward to convince ourselves that we never really wanted the goal to begin with.
With bipolar disorder in the mix, there’s a special set of circumstances — like having difficulty finishing what has been started and the tendency to make rash decisions — that support self-sabotaging behavior. Yet, what drives this behavior? The list is quite lengthy.
Procrastination, for one, may feel really good in the moment. But it can quickly lead to stress, which has been shown to impair the brain’s capacity for self-control and self-regulation when confronted with a choice.
To that end, research shows that self-regulation is necessary for goal-oriented behavior and contributes to many significant outcomes in our lives, such as physical health, psychological well-being, ethical decision-making, and strong interpersonal relationships.
Another reason we may self-sabotage is that we’re drawn much more to feelings of consistency — of familiarity — than the unknown, even if it puts our happiness at stake.
Or maybe we’re afraid we won’t succeed, so we don’t want to risk trying.
“Self-sabotage is a creative act with a positive intention, largely geared toward providing some sense of protection or safety,” says Kenneth Fields, a licensed mental health counselor in Wailuku, Hawaii. “In a practical sense, it’s understandable that we will avoid things we don’t want to do. But you need to acknowledge when self-sabotage is going on.”
Fields suggests asking yourself, “Is this avoidance or procrastination useful? Maybe it was useful 10 years ago, but is it useful now?” Then, you can start thinking about alternatives, he says.
Understanding Self-Sabotage as a Behavioral Pattern
It’s important to understand that self-sabotage is a repeated pattern of behavior, not a formal medical diagnosis. If you live with bipolar, self-sabotage can show up in different ways depending on your current mood episode or symptoms.
In a depressive episode, it might mean withdrawing, avoiding things, or missing out on opportunities because you feel drained, hopeless, or worthless, according to one review. In hypomania or mania, it can involve acting on impulse, starting big projects you don’t finish, overspending, or making risky decisions without fully considering the long-term consequences. Noticing how your mood affects your actions is an important first step toward making different choices and feeling more in control of your life.
Distinguishing Self-Sabotage From Intentional Self-Harm
To better understand your mental health needs and avoid confusion, it helps to tell the difference between unintentional self-sabotaging behaviors and intentional self-harm. Self-sabotage can include things like missing appointments, disrupting routines, or not taking medication as prescribed, especially when this happens repeatedly over time. Mental Health America explains that while these actions may not be planned as “hurting yourself,” they still get in the way of your long-term success, stability, and well-being.
Intentional self-harm is different because it involves choosing to cause yourself physical pain or self-injury. Both self-sabotage and self-harm are signs that someone is going through serious emotional distress, but they usually call for different types of clinical care, coping strategies, and support.
Managing Unintentional Self-Sabotage in Daily Life
Self-sabotage is a paradox: It’s a coping mechanism that feels good in the moment, but ultimately undermines what we want to achieve. And there are a lot of ways we can kick that mechanism into high gear.
One of them is not sticking to a medication schedule, which cannot only affect efforts to accomplish an original goal but also put stability in jeopardy.
Skylar K., from New York State, did just that to protect herself against a fear of failure. Afraid of the stress that would come with a good, steady job — a job she figured she would lose anyway once her bipolar 1 symptoms started showing up — she persuaded herself that it would be easier to be in a hospital.
That way, she could be taken care of rather than manage responsibilities at work. So she frequently took too much of her medication and wound up getting admitted.
Eventually, Skylar learned not to give in to self-sabotage. Instead, she puts into practice the lessons she learned from cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). She is building more structure into her life, better regulating her emotions and tolerance for distress, and replacing self-destructive behaviors with activities that push her outside her comfort zone.
For instance, after completing refresher courses, she is once again employed as a paramedic.
“I am excited to finally be back at work,” she says. “I went through a long period of hopelessness and had given up on myself. But what I needed was to learn to take responsibility for my actions and work toward my goals. And now when I stumble, I get back up.”
Identifying the Root Causes of Behavioral Barriers
Old, comfortable patterns can lead us to make choices that don’t align with our values and ultimately result in self-sabotage.
“We all go to our reactive selves, where our old patterns of thinking instantly jump up,” says Tracy Latz, MD, an integrative psychiatrist and coauthor of Bye-Bye Self-Sabotage!: Drop Your Baggage – Love Your Life. “They’re frequently driven by childhood constructs that can create faulty beliefs as we get older.”
Those faulty beliefs include feelings of unworthiness. Low self-esteem prompts statements such as, “I don’t deserve to be promoted, so why even try?” or “The only way someone will love me is if I don’t speak my mind.”
But what happens then? A colleague who puts in fewer hours than you do, yet strokes the boss’ ego, gets the promotion and accompanying pay raise. Or you start resenting the fact that your partner doesn’t take into consideration your opinions, not that you’ve made those opinions clear.
The result in both cases: You’re left in a position short of your potential, which ultimately affects your level of happiness.
Dealing with the known — even if that keeps you from taking steps toward your goal — is often preferable to delving into strange territory. It feels safer than taking a risk that will leave you feeling vulnerable, disappointed, or hurt, even though those are temporary experiences.
And here’s what’s interesting — that preference doesn’t even have to be conscious.
“Some people procrastinate and put themselves into a hole again and again, but they’re attracted to that,” says Thomas O. Bonner, PhD, a licensed psychologist in Florida. “This is because, unconsciously, they’re more comfortable as an irresponsible person, then they don’t have to make the effort to be the ‘good guy,’ ‘good girl,’ or ‘productive person.’ It’s easier not to try. This is the devil they know, and it’s preferable to some other, less-well-known set of conflicts.”
What takes a conscious effort is countering those fixed, sometimes deeply rooted responses, whether they arise from your own expectations or someone else’s.
“It’s like when there are grooves in mud,” says Fields. “A car naturally takes to those grooves because it’s easier, especially if the mud is now hard. Going off those tracks can be difficult and scary. It’s not as routine, familiar, or predictable. That’s where the challenge is.”
As a result, it takes a lot of intention and practice to build new behavioral responses to situations that might be perceived as threatening, he explains.
Practicing Radical Self-Acceptance to Move Forward
Denial is another defense mechanism, and one of self-sabotage’s best allies. This is where problems can multiply for those with bipolar disorder. If there’s resistance to accepting your bipolar diagnosis — and, therefore, no needed treatment and support — the internal pain that results obviously interferes with the ability to reach your definition of success.
Deflection is a form of moving away from a situation, when what is needed — in order to get what you want, so you can be the best version of yourself — is to move toward it.
“In high school, I got used to using a very dangerous word, and that word was ‘fine,’” says Chris N., from Canada. “‘Fine’ became a mask for me to hide behind when people would ask how I was. I was a football player and didn’t want to be seen as someone who was weak.”
Even though he was having thoughts and feelings he describes as negative and irrational, he kept them under wraps from family and friends. Years later, he would be diagnosed with bipolar 1 disorder.
With help from his doctor, Chris began doing a string of positive behaviors to counteract the adverse effects of the psychiatric condition. He began journaling, for instance, a ritual that would lead to writing books, several of them on mental health.
He also started volunteering at a local mental health center in a role that lets him offer hope to people who can relate to some of his struggles. He now eats better and exercises regularly, too.
In addition, Chris has adopted what he calls “the delay technique” for postponing — with the intention of ultimately avoiding — negative actions that can throw him off course. Rather than relying solely on motivation or raw willpower, this strategy centers on establishing a routine and creating a strict delay buffer to interrupt impulsive urges.
When he has an urge to act on a self-sabotaging thought or compulsion, he turns to positive actions instead:
- He’ll recite positive affirmations, like “This doesn’t control me” or “I can do this.”
- He’ll delay thoughts and compulsions (waiting 30 seconds, then one minute, then progressively longer).
- He’ll say spiritual affirmations, like “Give me strength” or “I have faith.”
“I still have mornings where I’m struggling and am overwhelmed, but I still make positive decisions and am able to stay on track,” Chris explains. “I’m less likely to hide things now.”
The bottom line, he adds, is: “If we speak up early, we can get help early. The mountain I climbed was steeper because I’d held things in.”
Building Routines That Help You Thrive With Bipolar Disorder
Once the focus turns to self-compassion and acceptance, it can then turn toward tracking behavior that supports — not subverts — life-affirming goals. But until that happens, it can be easy to persuade yourself that those goals you once set, even ones that could determine your future, were simply temporary ambitions.
Someone who wants to be successful as a college student, for example, may start the semester excited and committed to attending classes regularly, being productive, and sticking to a medication regimen. Yet when symptoms get in the way, things can change.
During a depressive episode, loss of motivation and interest may make it a chore to get to class or turn in assignments on time. During a manic phase, other behaviors — like new interests, late nights, and starting new projects — can become more appealing than study groups and exams.
And that can affect a person’s reasoning and ability to focus on school or desire to earn a degree in the first place. This can be especially true for those who have not yet accepted that their diagnosis requires consistent strategies to maintain stability, according to Rae K. Watkins, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and researcher in Chicago.
“They may start to think, ‘I don’t even need to go to school. The road I’m on is fine.’ Or they may think they’ll get to it ‘later,’” explains Dr. Watkins, who has served as a sub-investigator on numerous psychiatric clinical research trials in bipolar disorder and major depressive disorder.
Watkins suggests adhering to a healthy sleep schedule and seeking some form of therapy or treatment to keep realistic progress targets front and center.
“That may seem daunting,” she says, “but the hope is that new strategies become a way of life. Instead of feeling different, the person with bipolar disorder can say, ‘This is what helps me thrive.’”
Taking Small Practical Steps Toward Behavioral Balance
It gets more complicated to embrace new strategies when you’re a night owl. “That kills the motivation to go to bed sometimes, so you have to work against your own instinct,” says Raymond J. of Virginia, who has bipolar 1. It doesn’t help that impulsive urges during periods of mania haunt him during those hours.
“I always have big plans to do all kinds of things,” he says. “Some projects, goals, or whims even get started, but soon peter out when the inevitable crash happens.”
Raymond knows it would take a lot of perseverance to change his sleep schedule. “The choice is between instant gratification or patience that leads toward lasting health,” he says. “I know what I should do, but the choice is so hard to make.”
Chris understands, remembering how he’d once lost confidence in who he was — and how he began rebuilding it with tiny victories.
“I took advantage of every little ‘Go’ that I could say to myself,” he says. “I would say, ‘Go for a walk. Go eat the apple instead of chocolate. Go read a book instead of watching TV.’ These little bleeps of ‘Go’ made me push myself, and the healing was exponential.”
As a result, he says the little steps started to get bigger and move faster. “That gave me more chances to say, ‘I’m going to go do this,’” he explains. “I was finally starting to make something of my life.”
Four Strategies to Stop Habitual Self-Sabotage
Often, we understand what choices serve our well-being, but establishing long-term consistency can be incredibly difficult when bipolar symptoms or daily stressors disrupt your focus. Here are four practical techniques to stabilize your routine and counter self-sabotaging patterns.
1. Document Your Day, Both the ‘Good’ and the ‘Bad’
Identifying your goals — and recognizing any obstacles to achieving them — are important early steps in the self-improvement process.
To start, it’s helpful to keep a running list of what happens during each day and identify any corresponding changes in your energy and stress levels, emotional responses, or thought processes.
For instance, at the end of the day, write down (or type out) brief descriptions of the interactions you had with loved ones, your boss and coworkers, other people in the community, and so on. Note which exchanges were problematic and which were inspiring, and the thoughts you experienced during each.
“In time, you begin to be aware of the patterns of your interactions, and you do the tango with one person and the waltz with another,” says Dr. Latz. That information helps define what you want from a given situation — and what may be holding you back.
2. Make a ‘Motivation Jar’ to Track Your Progress
After you’ve determined your goals and flagged possible setbacks, motivation is the name of the game. After all, progress can be hard to track sometimes, especially when you feel overwhelmed by what remains to be done or accomplished.
But, if you have a tangible and visible way to keep tabs on how far you’ve come in achieving your goals, simply looking at — or holding — that physical representation of your successes so far can help. It can also nix the negative thought spirals and inspire you to keep pushing forward.
When Chris got tired of his self-sabotaging behavior, he started putting coins in a jar every time he successfully avoided an action that would keep him from his goals. As the coins accumulated, he says, “I felt motivated and confident to continue making positive choices.”
Once the jar was filled, he would then put the money toward a personal reward or make a charitable donation. You can do something similar to track your progress and build motivation: Fill a jar with coins, color squares on a grid, or even cut strips of paper to create links in an ever-growing paper garland.
3. Enlist a Loved One for Support
Whether you find support from your high school buddy or your brother, when you find the right person to encourage you with your goals — and perhaps even take an active role in helping you realize them — it can have a huge impact on your personal success.
In particular, the person can help by acting as an accountability partner and providing a boost to your morale, especially if bipolar depression is on the horizon. It’s times like these when, as your mood darkens, your enthusiasm and sense of purpose regarding your goals can slip. Having a dependable supporter step in to keep you on track — and provide a clearer perspective — can be vital.
For example, Raymond has a friend like this. He picks Raymond up for the gym and takes him out to eat every Tuesday night to ensure he’s making time to exercise and eat well.
“I’ve even had him go to a meeting with my psychotherapist, and she thinks he’s the greatest thing for me,” Raymond says.
4. Be Patient With Yourself While You Adjust Your Habits
Recognizing and stopping self-sabotaging behavior takes time. You are replacing one habit — self-sabotage — with another: stopping yourself in the moment before a subconscious choice or deliberate action throws you off track.
This habit swap will only serve you in life, but it does take repetition for that new, helpful habit to form. If you stay patient, track your progress to maintain motivation, and give yourself time, as Dr. Bonner says, you will be able to confidently say, “No, I don’t do this anymore.”
Editorial Sources and Fact-Checking
- Kelley NJ et al. Stimulating Self-Regulation: A Review of Non-invasive Brain Stimulation Studies of Goal-Directed Behavior. Frontiers in Behavioral Neuroscience. January 18, 2019.
- Malhi GS et al. The 2020 Royal Australian and New Zealand College of Psychiatrists Clinical Practice Guidelines for Mood Disorders: Bipolar Disorder Summary. Bipolar Disorders. December 22, 2020.
- Am I Harming Myself? Types of Self-Harm. Mental Health America.
UPDATED: Printed as “The Enemy Within,” Spring 2018
