Learn why shifting from hostility to kindness helps manage the emotional outbursts of bipolar disorder.
Learning to speak kindly was a valuable lesson that I learned the hard way, and I’ll never forget how it happened.
What I Learned From an Angry Outburst
One day, I was in a bookstore and started walking down an aisle when I came across a couple chatting. I immediately felt annoyed because they were blocking the entire aisle.
As I continued toward them, I found myself becoming angry, offended, and even outraged. This couple — with no consideration for others — was in the way. They were blocking me from walking down the aisle. The rudeness and the selfishness felt overwhelming, and they were totally oblivious to it! By the time we intersected, I was mildly fuming.
Unexpectedly, I blurted out, “You’re taking up the whole aisle! Can you move?” The words just flew out of my mouth with hostility, and I had no control over them. This couple, who hadn’t even noticed me before that moment, turned toward me. They were aghast, confused, and provoked.
Even though they did step aside, their response was angry, too. Their anger was directed at me because I had spoken to them that way. They insulted me and mocked me — and, yes, this ultimately hurt my feelings.
I immediately fell into criticizing myself for what had happened. Yet, even in that moment, I could recognize how their reaction helped me see that I could have handled the situation better — even if only to avoid my own hurt feelings in the end.
Do you know what I’ve found to be true ever since that day? If I have something to say, if I need to say something, I must first find the right words to say it nicely.
How to Communicate Kindly When You’re Feeling Angry
Speaking in a nice way has helped me most when I find myself getting angry. This is because I now know I need to handle whatever the problem is positively rather than reactively.
I used to freely let my anger do the talking. I would get angry first, words would fly out second, and then I’d be stuck in the fallout or the problem third. This was a common habit, pattern, or default behavior. But I learned to curb this for my best interest and to serve my highest good.
Most people don’t have a problem if you speak to them nicely — they like it — but almost everyone has a problem when they are spoken to with anger, which also can be perceived as disrespect. And when someone has a problem with something I said, that usually becomes my problem, too.
So, no problem is the goal. In my experience, saying something nicely usually is the best way — or even the only way — to avoid that kind of conflict. Saying your piece the wrong way only backfires and creates more stress.
It was only after the fact that I realized if I had nicely asked the couple to move, they would have done so gladly and with a smile. That would have saved me not only from the anger I had toward them but also from the anger they felt back toward me. The same goes for their hurt feelings and mine.
When Anger Affects Communication
Most of us know we should speak to others and ask them for things in a nice way. Usually, we try to do so … or we think we do. But this is not about the times we do speak nicely. I am writing specifically about the times we don’t.
These instances typically happen when anger or emotional upset are involved. They’re the times when our words get us in trouble, and it’s in our best interest to pay attention to those experiences.
It took time, commitment, patience, and creativity to learn how to say things nicely. It took changing my habits and patterns. No more getting angry first, then speaking second.
I found that if I spoke up before I got angry, I handled the situation much better and achieved a more positive outcome. So, I focused on doing this. I also didn’t want my words to make the situation worse, so I had to intentionally be mindful of others’ feelings while also aiming to meet my own needs.
Positive Communication Can Lead to Fewer Arguments
Apart from speaking nicely, I’ve also found that speaking clearly and effectively can help me avoid getting angry in the first place or prevent me from becoming increasingly upset. What I gained from this was assertiveness — the ability to speak up for myself constructively and positively.
The best part about this whole process was actually having more pleasant exchanges than fights and disagreements.
As I became more mindful of my own words, intentions, and objectives, I also stopped cursing, using insults, and relying on sarcasm. For the first time in my life, I became committed to using “please” and “thank you.”
It took a conscious effort to be consistent. I even found that softness was necessary in my delivery because not only our words but also our tone matter when communicating kindly.
Learning to consistently say things in a nice way is definitely a transformation of our voice. It’s a process of looking at how we speak, what we’re used to, and maybe even what we overlook, and then making improvements that better support our well-being.
UPDATED: Originally posted October 28, 2021
