Prioritizing your own needs, limits, and values will lead to a more balanced and fulfilling life as you manage bipolar.
Key Takeaways
- Setting clear boundaries lets you focus on your own needs, which is important for staying balanced.
- When your relationships have healthy boundaries, you are more likely to feel supported during difficult times.
- You can set limits in a respectful way by using a “positive no” to find solutions that work for you.
- A therapist can help you figure out what you need and show you how to ask for help without feeling overwhelmed.
Personal boundaries are dynamic. For the average person, boundaries mean distinguishing oneself, or ego (what makes me, me), from that of others. Psychodynamic theory proclaims the “id” to be the primitive elements of desire, while the “ego” negotiates the world and its boundaries. Boundaries may be self-imposed (the “superego”) or set by an external authority.
Sigmund Freud, the founder of the psychodynamic approach to psychology, described the human psyche as being made up of these three aspects: the primitive, impulsive id; the reasonable, decision-making ego; and the superego, which incorporates the values and morals of society and seeks to mediate between the chaotically self-absorbed id and the rigidly rational ego.
Boundaries can be a challenge at the best of times, but in the context of living with bipolar disorder, boundaries are often shattered by mood swings. At one end of the spectrum, “dilute” boundaries (overfamiliarity) can lead to dangerous situations, while at the other extreme, impenetrable boundaries can prevent loved ones from helping in times of need.
How Relationship Boundaries Affect Quality of Life
Personal boundaries in close relationships have many facets and directly affect illness outcomes in physical and mental health domains. The questionnaire “Experiences in Close Relationships” (ECR) measures the ability to be close with one’s partner, the capacity to share feelings and emotions, and the ability to provide and accept support. It also measures negative elements, such as feeling that a partner makes you doubt yourself or having preoccupations regarding abandonment.
The ECR is a measure of healthy boundaries in an intimate partnership and is a predictor of the degree of support a relationship will bring in the context of an illness. Secure relationships are associated with lower rates of depression in physical health conditions, such as cancer.
Research from our group at the University of Michigan found that social and personal relationships, including the capacity for attachment, were often compromised among people with bipolar disorder.
A further point to consider is social undermining. Undermining occurs when others conspire (wittingly or unwittingly) to impede an individual’s success. Undermining is very destructive; it contributes to perceived boundaries and often results in failed careers and social and personal relationships. Social support is wonderful, but often no amount of social support can overcome the boundaries that undermining presents.
Steps for Setting Healthy Boundaries
A practical approach to establishing boundaries can be found in business writings. William Ury’s book, The Power of a Positive No, provides guidelines for saying “no” effectively and respectfully in almost any situation and identifies actions and strategies for achieving an acceptable outcome.
The essence of the argument is that, for example, if a friend asks you for a personal favor that is uncomfortable, you respond with a counteroffer and negotiate toward an acceptable outcome, rather than responding with a blunt “no.”
Naturally, there are times when a more forceful “NO!” is needed, but in interactions with close friends and family, this kind of response may be seen as aggressive and is likely to raise more concerns, especially when loved ones perceive a need for help.
5 Ways to Improve Your Personal Boundaries
- Talk to a therapist about boundaries. Discussing when and how to set them can help you navigate difficult social situations.
- Work toward strategies for a supportive experience in your close relationships.
- Determine whether or not boundaries are inhibiting your personal intimacy.
- Practice the power of a positive “no.” If you’re not using a “no” on at least a weekly basis, ask your therapist if perhaps you might be too agreeable and have difficulties setting limits and boundaries.
- Practice identifying your needs and asking someone for help.
- If you perceive that someone is engaged in undermining your ability to succeed, work with your therapist to develop effective countermeasures.
UPDATED: Originally printed as “Ask the Doctor: Personal Boundaries,” Spring 2017
