A look at how boundaries actually function, and where they falter, in a relationship that includes bipolar disorder.
Key Takeaways
- Setting clear boundaries can protect your emotional health and reduce resentment in relationships.
- It’s best to talk about boundaries during calm, stable times — not in the middle of conflict.
- Healthy boundaries are not ultimatums; they’re guidelines for respectful behavior.
- Good boundaries also mean noticing your own needs while respecting the limits of others.
Physical boundaries are easy to see — and understand. A neighbor’s fence delineates a property line; walls in a house separate rooms.
Personal boundaries are more subtle, but they’re just as real and important. When respected, these limits make you feel safe and valued. They shore up connections buoyed by appreciation and loyalty. They prevent second-guessing, resentment, and burnout — and starting to feel any of those emotions helps you realize when you’re being taken advantage of.
“When we refer to boundaries, we are talking about emotional walls that are healthy,” says David Puder, MD, an assistant professor of psychiatry at Loma Linda University in California. “A boundary defines our self.
“Within ourselves, our ‘property’ consists of our physical body, our desires, our intellect, and our ability to make decisions. It gives us a sense of defining what is ‘me’ and what is ‘not me,’” explains Dr. Puder.
Emotional boundary violations include sacrificing your own needs to please others who transgress against your time and your psychological health, and blaming other people for your problems or accepting responsibility for theirs.
Disrespecting physical boundaries can be as simple as sitting or standing too close or as serious as a slap or punch. Or it may be something that raises red flags — like when hypersexuality threatens to derail a relationship — and needs critical attention.
In essence, healthy boundaries nurture your personal agency, reject violence against your body and sense of self, safeguard your emotional well-being, and ultimately enable you to be a solid, supportive partner in any relationship.
Why Boundaries Are Challenging With Bipolar Disorder
Navigating their mutual boundaries is a daily challenge for Kat and Al of Maryland, a married couple in their thirties who both have bipolar 1 disorder.
“We constantly have to talk about it,” says Al.
And there’s a range of subdivisions to cover: emotional, physical, sexual, financial, and intellectual. Each of us has different standards for where to draw those lines, so articulating clear boundaries helps avoid problems — or at least gives a starting point for discussions.
For Kat and Al, financial boundaries are a particular area of conflict. Kat tends to spend more freely when her mood swings upwards than Al feels comfortable with. Al, nervous about finances after dealing with destructive shopping habits decades ago, worries that his wife’s retail urges will reignite some of his own.
The boundary that’s non-negotiable for Al? “Infidelity,” he says. “There’s no wiggle room there.”
That kind of self-awareness is important, says Drew Lightfoot, a licensed professional counselor in Pennsylvania. He notes that while people know boundaries are healthy, they might not know exactly what their own boundaries are.
Lightfoot adds, “That’s generally why in unhealthy or dysfunctional relationships, arguments can become very dirty very quickly. We are no longer coming from a place where we are explaining ourselves; we’re coming from a place of trying to hurt the other person. It’s a really terrible cycle to get stuck in.”
Common Boundary Issues in Relationships With Bipolar
Remember that relationships come in many forms — intimate partner, family, friendships, and work. And in each situation, boundaries can be tricky to establish and maintain.
While boundaries are complex and delicate for any two people in any relationship, introducing bipolar symptoms can throw in an extra wrinkle.
Low self-worth, reinforced by depressive episodes, can be a problem if value is sought solely from others. That puts too much responsibility on the other person — a dynamic that often leads to resentment and, as a result, relationship trouble.
Mania, meanwhile, can lower impulse control and also the threshold for irritability and angry outbursts, which can lead to fighting on both sides.
Abigail, a self-employed writer in Rochester, New York, describes a healthy boundary as “a well-balanced give-and-take of emotional support and sensitivity.”
When she’s in the midst of mania, that balance can get thrown off-kilter.
During one manic episode, Abigail lost a good friend after acting in “a really bizarre, hyper, paranoid way,” she shares. “As much as I apologized afterwards, and tried to explain that it was the ‘illness talking,’ the friendship was never the same; the trust was gone.
“It was hurtful, but I respect her decision.”
How Mood Episodes Affect Boundaries
It takes patience and experience for those close to someone with bipolar to fully acknowledge that hard-and-fast boundaries cannot always be applied when mood swings interfere with rational behavior, according to Don Hays, PhD, a licensed professional counselor in Dallas.
Dr. Hays cites some famous song lyrics to illustrate that although there may be room for negotiation up to a point, there’s no black-and-white formula: “Setting boundaries involves invoking the Kenny Rogers rule: ‘You’ve got to know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em, know when to walk away, and know when to run.”
To minimize the fallout from overstepping boundaries, Abigail says she’s learned to trust her instincts around others when she’s well.
“If you’re violating someone else’s boundary [in a conversation], on some level your intuition will tell you that,” she reflects. “Just apologize right on the spot and say, ‘Sorry, sometimes I’m a little too curious.’”
Trust and Resentment
Even if you don’t know what your boundaries are, you know when things don’t feel right, when lines have been crossed.
Maybe you’ve always felt responsible for keeping the family peace, or you’re going against your values to satisfy others, or you feel guilty about taking any time for yourself.
When you don’t have boundaries, resentment can build. This tends to happen more often in people who have what psychologists call “agreeable traits” — those who find others trustworthy, can’t manipulate other people easily, and go out of their way to help others.
Boundaries can also include who you decide to surround yourself with.
Jim, who was diagnosed with bipolar 2 in his late forties, has experience spending time thinking about which boundaries support his values, given that he sometimes neglected to protect them in the past.
The retired attorney recalls how some of his clients would demand unreasonable amounts of his time. He says most of his firm’s institutional and individual clients were easy to work with, but others were “toxic” with few boundaries of their own — like the client who barged into his office while he was in a meeting.
“I represented some difficult people. … Difficult people push boundaries. It can be hard to set boundaries sometimes, especially with clients who you have established an ethical duty to represent.
“I would sometimes push beyond my own boundaries to protect others; I needed to learn to also protect myself.”
On the worst days, with stress and deadlines on top of demanding clients or opposing counsel, he would arrive home only to want some quiet time away from his wife, and in extreme cases, it caused long-lasting depressive episodes.
Today, in his role as an advocate for nonprofits in Minnesota, Jim surrounds himself with “positive” people — who respect his boundaries — and does not take on any major commitments or projects without first discussing them with his wife and his therapist.
Healthy vs. Unhealthy Boundary Patterns
So, how do you go about setting constructive boundaries for yourself?
The first step is to determine what your limits are. Healthy boundaries reflect your principles and values, so you have to understand what those are in order to hold firm to them. Doing this is a learned skill that comes with practice, one that requires self-awareness, vulnerability, and consistency.
Some typical boundaries may include:
- Knowing when to say ‘no’ to requests from friends and family.
- Protecting your sleep schedule to maintain mood stability
- Not accepting yelling during arguments with a spouse.
By the same token, you need to honor other people’s boundaries as well by being on time when meeting someone who detests tardiness, or by watching the number of texts you send to a busy friend.
When establishing boundaries, it helps to look at the areas of your life in which you feel exhausted, drained, or inadequate. Pay attention to how you’re feeling physically and mentally about how others are treating you.
A bothersome behavior that doesn’t stop can lead to “disgust and vitriol and resentment,” says Puder. “The most loving thing you can do is try to find a solution now.
“It can be hard because you might not want to step on toes or offend someone, but for saving the relationship, this is important.”
The Role of Communication and Respect
Open and honest communication is key. Creating boundaries for yourself is great, but you need to be sure others know when they’ve crossed a line. Conversely, you need to know what others expect of you so you don’t inadvertently trample boundaries they’ve set up for themselves.
An important distinction to remember: Boundaries aren’t ultimatums, though the two often get confused. Ultimatums can come across as aggressive and unyielding, while boundaries take into account the preservation of a relationship in order to allow for growth.
Al and Kat support that growth by checking in with one another regularly, an important routine given that there’s no consistency to their episodes, and the behavior of one person can trigger the other’s cycling.
When one of them does step over a line, they try to talk about it pragmatically.
“We’re clear about what happened and try to move on as quickly as possible, as opposed to hammering ‘You messed up,’” says Al. “But you have to have accountability. I’m very able to not look at myself, so if you don’t make me face what I’ve done that’s made me cause a problem, I have no reason to stop.”
It’s easier to bring up boundary infringements after those boundaries have been clearly established, which is why the ideal time to set boundaries together in the first place is when both people are in as calm, neutral state.
Even so, no matter what type of relationship you’re in, communicating your needs can be challenging. For the people who care about someone with bipolar, it can be difficult to point out when a boundary gets crossed.
“They can feel guilty for saying, ‘Hey, I don’t like this, and I’m not willing to accept it,’” says Jennifer M. Thompson, a licensed clinical social worker in Brighton, New York.
But you can be emotionally affected by someone’s behavior without responding in an emotional manner, she explains. Referring back to your limits helps you respond in a factual way.
Thompson suggests asking a series of questions: Is the person overstepping? If the person is overstepping, how do I feel? Do I want to react emotionally — or with my boundaries, which have no emotion associated with them?.
The latter option is best, notes Thompson, as long as the conversation opens up with an “affectionate validation”.
“Everyone of us responds much better when the other person validates first and then gives us the news that we really might not want to hear,” says Thompson.
She offers these examples:
- “I love you, and this is what will happen if you continue to step over the boundaries and limits I’m setting.
- “I can love you, and I can be upset about your behavior at the same time.”
If not handled with that validation, the message may get lost. For instance, when Abigail’s husband or family members ask if she’s taking her medication, the question can come across as manipulative if it follows a disagreement.
“It feels like an attempt to control me, and taking my meds and controlling myself is a point of pride,” she says. “I try to find firm but polite ways of saying ‘Back off.’ I’ll say something like, ‘I’m sorry if you’re having trouble with me today, but that’s just the way I feel.’”
When handled well, boundaries are a hallmark of love and stability.
Thompson assures: “A boundary is there to preserve the health of the relationship, not lead to its demise.”
UPDATED: Originally printed as “Setting Limits,” Spring 2022
